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Life Happens

Wow... it has been quite awhile since I wrote in here, and I was on a roll, too! Ah... well, life happens, doesn't it?

Life lately has been busy, challenging, overwhelming, scary, and yet very fulfilling. It has been full of ups and downs, minor freak-outs, major decisions, and lots and lots of laughter. Today, though, I find myself feeling very apathetic about most things, and I've been trying to come up with a reason for why this might be. There are so many things in my life to care about, to be excited about, and yet right now, I feel very detached from the vivid, rich life I have been experiencing since the summer. For the first time the whole school year, I find myself wanting to be home for no reason other than to just be able to be alone. Maybe everything has just piled up and now I'm trying to cope. Or maybe it's because I'm so worried that things are going to fall apart soon and I'm bracing myself. Or maybe, I guess, everyone (especially anyone living with depression and anxiety) just has bad days sometimes. Whatever the reason may be, the familiar compulsion to retreat to my dark bedroom, watch Harry Potter, cry, and try to find someone to explain all these problems to me has started to creep back into my body. I've often caught myself thinking that I just want to run away, go somewhere safe and quiet where I can think and try to make sense of all of these problems.

But I can't. I have no where to run. Here, there's school work and next semester registration and a digital portfolio and Praxis tests to worry about. At home, I'm dealing with my mom dating someone I don't like and the recent insecurities I've been having about my relationship and other problems that I probably shouldn't talk about in my blog where the whole world can read them. Right now, I don't feel like I have anywhere to go to where my problems can't follow me. Perhaps this is why I want to run; I just feel trapped.

Nothing feels certain right now in my life. The few areas of stability I have grown accustomed to in the last few months have started to wobble. Even my friendships have become strained because we are all so busy and stressed. I go through the day-to-day motions just waiting for something to make me feel alive again, whether it's a phone call from Ben, a classroom of laughter in Teaching Methods, receiving an e-mail from someone wanting acting lessons, or hearing from someone I don't talk to very much anymore. Everyday, there is usually at least one thing that truly makes me step back and appreciate how great my life is and how good of a person I am, but today, I just can't seem to find that something.

I guess, the best I can say for now is that life happens, and it will continue to happen. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully the morning will bring things back into focus for me.

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