It is incredible to me how quickly things can change in this life. One hour, I'm feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. The next, I'm left huddled in my bed crying, wondering what went wrong and why I didn't see it. I thought everything was fine, you see. I mean, I knew things weren't perfect, but nothing in life is ever perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Sure, for that first month or so it's all butterflies and kisses, but eventually there will be trials and struggles you have to face... together. I thought that was what would happen. I wanted nothing more than for him to tell me what he wanted, to make him happy, to take care of him, to let me love him. I don't mean love, like, the I want to be with you forever kind of love, but just the... caring about someone and wanting to... to make everything good for them kind of love.
I just don't understand what was wrong, and maybe I never will. Everyone keeps trying to give me advice and help me through this, and I appreciate it so much, but really all I want is to understand. No relationship I've been in had ever felt as good as this one. There was a sense of calm and peace that I had never had before. I wasn't constantly worried I was about to lose him, and I didn't feel like I had to beg him for attention. He bought me presents and took me out on dates and carried my bags for me and called me just to say good night. He never complimented me just because; he only did it when he really meant it. I had never felt so treasured and adored and cared for by anyone else I had ever dated. We could talk for hours and not run out of things to say, and we understand each other in ways that a lot of other people can't understand us. I trusted him. I never feared getting taken advantage of him or him saying anything just to get me to do something. If he kissed me, if he touched me, if he looked me in the eyes and said I was beautiful, it was because he truly meant it.
So what happened? Why did it just.. end? Why is it just over? Why am I sitting here checking my phone over and over expecting him to text me and say, "Hey sweetie! what are you up to?" like nothing's changed? Maybe I'm crazy or stupid or stubborn, but I just... I can't give up hope yet that everything will work itself out and this is just a bump in the road.
I have to try so hard not to pick up my phone and text him or call him. Sometimes, I have the strength to put the phone down, and sometimes I don't. I just keep telling myself that he can't miss me if I don't give him space, and that if he didn't want space, he'd initiate the conversation. But everything reminds me of him, and I just keep... hoping that I'll find the right thing to say to make everything better, but I know that I can't change anything this time. I just can't help but wonder, if that wasn't what a good relationship is supposed to feel like, what am I supposed to be looking for?
A month ago, I was the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.
Today, most of my friends are far away for break, all the things I had planned to do over break have somehow crumbled, and I'm just here... trying to keep my mind busy but not wanting to do anything but curl up in bed and cry and wait for him to call.
Sometimes, I want to just get in my car and drive away from everything, but I know that no matter how far I drive, nothing is going to hurt any less or make anymore sense.
I just don't understand what was wrong, and maybe I never will. Everyone keeps trying to give me advice and help me through this, and I appreciate it so much, but really all I want is to understand. No relationship I've been in had ever felt as good as this one. There was a sense of calm and peace that I had never had before. I wasn't constantly worried I was about to lose him, and I didn't feel like I had to beg him for attention. He bought me presents and took me out on dates and carried my bags for me and called me just to say good night. He never complimented me just because; he only did it when he really meant it. I had never felt so treasured and adored and cared for by anyone else I had ever dated. We could talk for hours and not run out of things to say, and we understand each other in ways that a lot of other people can't understand us. I trusted him. I never feared getting taken advantage of him or him saying anything just to get me to do something. If he kissed me, if he touched me, if he looked me in the eyes and said I was beautiful, it was because he truly meant it.
So what happened? Why did it just.. end? Why is it just over? Why am I sitting here checking my phone over and over expecting him to text me and say, "Hey sweetie! what are you up to?" like nothing's changed? Maybe I'm crazy or stupid or stubborn, but I just... I can't give up hope yet that everything will work itself out and this is just a bump in the road.
I have to try so hard not to pick up my phone and text him or call him. Sometimes, I have the strength to put the phone down, and sometimes I don't. I just keep telling myself that he can't miss me if I don't give him space, and that if he didn't want space, he'd initiate the conversation. But everything reminds me of him, and I just keep... hoping that I'll find the right thing to say to make everything better, but I know that I can't change anything this time. I just can't help but wonder, if that wasn't what a good relationship is supposed to feel like, what am I supposed to be looking for?
A month ago, I was the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.
Today, most of my friends are far away for break, all the things I had planned to do over break have somehow crumbled, and I'm just here... trying to keep my mind busy but not wanting to do anything but curl up in bed and cry and wait for him to call.
Sometimes, I want to just get in my car and drive away from everything, but I know that no matter how far I drive, nothing is going to hurt any less or make anymore sense.
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