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Thoughts from an Empty House

It is very lonely here. Lonely and empty and unnaturally quiet. This isn't the first time I've stayed in the Euclid house alone, but for some reason, knowing that I will never again live in this house with Kaitlyn and Cat makes being here alone very sad. In the few months I've lived here, this house has truly become a second home so much so that sometimes I couldn't decide whether I'd rather be here or home. It was a really big step for me to decide to move out of the dorms, but I am so glad I did.

There is something about having a dream, fighting for your dream, and then watching as your dream comes true that changes your entire life in ways you never could have foreseen. Looking back on this last school year, I think it's very easy to see that I have changed in so many ways that I probably can't even recognize them all. The biggest way that comes to mind at the moment is the way I've handled my relationship with Ben. Anyone who has known me pre-BSU would testify to the fact that relationships have always been a HUGE emotional challenge for me. I would invest so much in a guy, not feel like I was getting enough in return, become clingy and needy, stop eating, having anxiety attacks all the time, and when I got my heart broken, most people would have thought it was the end of the world. It has never been like that with Ben. A lot of that is because Ben is amazing, and I am receiving as much love and kindness as I'm giving, but it's also... me. I've grown up into this place where I can (usually) think rationally about my relationship with him. Also, I've come to realize when I'm in those emotional places where I know that I will be irrational and say things I don't really mean, and I understand that those emotions will be gone in the morning, and I admit that and tell him that and he will just let me go to sleep like we both know I need. If you went to any of my exboyfriends and explained this process to them, they would think you were talking about the wrong girl, I'm sure. But Ben is... special, and I know that I'm special to him. The way we just fit and work is... the closest thing to magic I have yet to experience.

I feel like even just in general I am better at understanding my emotions and managing my reactions to them now. Two years ago, the idea that I had the power to choose to not be overdramatic about things in my life would have seemed a little farfetched, to be honest. Not to say that I am perfect at managing my stress or emotions now because I definitely still have a long way to go, but I have learned a lot about myself this year. I have especially learned and accepted that I cannot handle my stress in the same way a lot of people do. There will be sometimes that I just need to drop things and walk away for a little bit and do something that requires concentration but no thought in order to clear my mind. Also, I have learned and accepted that I am not a night person. Okay, maybe I always knew that, but until this year I constantly felt the need to fight it. The truth of it is, though, by the time night gets here, I cannot deal or focus or just keep pushing forward. It just doesn't happen. However, if I've had a really bad day or night, I can tell myself that I will wake up in the morning determined to have a better attitude, and I do it. I know being a morning person isn't exactly a great mix with being a theatre major, but I will have to find ways to make it work.

Aaaand I wanted to write about a lot more, but I have to wake up at 7:30 and go to work, and I'm getting sleepy, so goodnight! And I apologize for the abrupt and unthoughtful end to this blog post.

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