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So.Much.Confusion.

I have a lot of thoughts whirring around inside my head tonight, though I suppose books like Eat, Pray, Love are supposed to do that to a person. They aren't bad or stressful thoughts, at least not yet. The thoughts are more wonders, I suppose, as though my brain has decided to continually play another exciting game of What If...? It's one of those times where your brain won't stop thinking, but you can't really put into words what it's thinking about. The only word I am managing to pick out is the name of a guy, and I am really not sure why his name keeps popping up. I am pretty sure if his position on things had changed since last summer, he would have told me. Truthfully, I can't even be sure that I have feelings for him because my brain won't let me make sense of it. If I am honest with myself right now, it is probably mostly because Ben broke up with me, and he has been there for me... always... for as long as I have really known him. Maybe these faint flutterings of romantic feelings are nothing more than my heart yearning for someone to call as I'm driving home or text until I fall asleep or kiss goodnight or hold hands as we walk. Still, though, there's that irrational, romantic voice in my head that keeps saying yeah but maybe...

And the rational part of me is saying that there is no but maybe. It is what it is, and I can't expect guys to magically wake up one day and realize they've had feelings for me for a long time. That isn't how it works. A guy should just know, without a doubt, that he has feelings for you. There should be no maybe or halfway. Just because guys don't talk about falling the way that girls do, that doesn't mean they don't fall the way we do. If a guy really likes you, you will know, right? So, I know there's no point on dwelling because I know he doesn't feel that way, and I am pretty sure i don't actually feel that way, but why am I so confused?

Maybe it's just because he makes me feel safe, like I know if there's something too big for me to handle on my own, he'll help. But every friend should do that, right? Maybe it's just because he's the only straight guy in my life who isn't in my family who has yet to abandon me or break my heart.

I should sleep...

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