I am not okay...

For weeks now, I have been in a downward spiral. I don't know when it started or why, but I have reached the point where I no longer feel in control, a point that I have been terrified of since I first sought help a year and a half ago. I feel constantly lonely, searching for companionship in the worlds of fantasy TV shows and books, just like I did with Harry Potter when I was growing up. I can't sleep at night. I fear the loneliness, so I keep reading or watching TV because I know as soon as I stop I will feel the weight of my world pinning me to my bed with no where else to go, no one to lay next to me and hold me and bear part of the weight with me.

My ability to be rational or reasonable, all of my strength and confidence, they've disappeared. Instead, I go day-to-day mostly just existing until the night hits, and then I just feel pain. I can't remember the last night I didn't lay in my bed and cry. I have shut down, and the only reaction I have to anything is to cry. Even the happy things hurt, it seems. It's almost Christmas, and I cry every time I think about how I wish I was able to give more to the people I love.

I don't expect anyone to lay with me at night and hold me while I wallow in a consuming depression. No one has ever seen this side of me and stuck around for very long. I imagine it is exhausting. I mean, who would want to live being constantly afraid I would end up like this again if they had a choice to take themselves out of the situation of being with me? I don't expect anyone to choose to live through this pain with me. But that doesn't mean that the broken, irrational, unreasonable part of me doesn't wish I had someone who would see me hurting, see this terrible, ugly side of me and want to just hold me tightly in their arms through even the worst nights and keep me safe.

So, here I am, desperately text messaging boys who are probably incredibly sick of dealing with me like this. I'm surprised they haven't blocked my number yet. I wouldn't blame them if they did...