A few days ago, someone who is very dear to me, whom I have admired for almost my entire life told me, "Tara, you bring magic into people's lives." It was a very complex moment for me; I didn't know what to say. In my mind, I was reminded of this same woman going around to her students, putting a bit of glitter on their hand and telling them it was magic, and everyone believed her, no matter how old they were. She was the one who spread magic. I was flattered that this incredibly inspirational woman would say something like this to me, but at the same time, I didn't feel like I deserved it.
Ever since she said it, I have been thinking about what that means. While it is what I have always wanted, to inspire change and do good, it comes with a heavy burden. I can't get the picture of Aragorn out of my head as he tells Lord Elrond, "I give hope to men but keep none for myself," because that is how I have found myself feeling much of the time. I have given all that I have, all that I am, all of my "magic" to others, and it feels like I have none left for myself. I've been searching for every possible place to find it, even just a tiny bit that I can scoop up and keep inside myself. Sometimes, I do get a tiny bit of it, for example, at rehearsals for Little Women. The entire cast is... incredible. Watching them perform, helping them reach higher and higher for those emotional moments, seeing them succeed... it gives me such joy. Some of that magic has started to find its way back to me, now, as we begin to move forward with plans for the Journeys Youth Center for the Performing Arts and as we get ready to start our third year of JTC.
It is just... crazy to me that people out there think that I am great, that I give magic to people's lives when I think the same about them. How is it that to them, I am so great, when I lay in bed at night feeling weak and lonely and broken because I cannot find the right person? Why does it even MATTER to me that I can't find the right person? It shouldn't matter; I shouldn't care. If he's coming, he will come when he is going to come. While I may not think I put magic in people's lives, I do think that there are a lot of good things about myself, so why do I need the affection of a guy to prove that to myself on those lonely nights?
I have no idea.
And this blog didn't go where I intended it to go.
Wow... I should probably just go to sleep now...
Ever since she said it, I have been thinking about what that means. While it is what I have always wanted, to inspire change and do good, it comes with a heavy burden. I can't get the picture of Aragorn out of my head as he tells Lord Elrond, "I give hope to men but keep none for myself," because that is how I have found myself feeling much of the time. I have given all that I have, all that I am, all of my "magic" to others, and it feels like I have none left for myself. I've been searching for every possible place to find it, even just a tiny bit that I can scoop up and keep inside myself. Sometimes, I do get a tiny bit of it, for example, at rehearsals for Little Women. The entire cast is... incredible. Watching them perform, helping them reach higher and higher for those emotional moments, seeing them succeed... it gives me such joy. Some of that magic has started to find its way back to me, now, as we begin to move forward with plans for the Journeys Youth Center for the Performing Arts and as we get ready to start our third year of JTC.
It is just... crazy to me that people out there think that I am great, that I give magic to people's lives when I think the same about them. How is it that to them, I am so great, when I lay in bed at night feeling weak and lonely and broken because I cannot find the right person? Why does it even MATTER to me that I can't find the right person? It shouldn't matter; I shouldn't care. If he's coming, he will come when he is going to come. While I may not think I put magic in people's lives, I do think that there are a lot of good things about myself, so why do I need the affection of a guy to prove that to myself on those lonely nights?
I have no idea.
And this blog didn't go where I intended it to go.
Wow... I should probably just go to sleep now...
Comments
Post a Comment