As I sit here this morning, wondering how I could have possibly slept last night, watching my dog take in the world outside of my apartment, there is a lot on my mind. The last few days have been full of events that should majorly upset me and stress me out, and yet yesterday when I found myself crying into my pillow, none of those things seemed to be the reason my heart felt so heavy.
"But I just can’t ignore my pathetic other side -- it’s so whiny and needy inside of me. I yearn for... human touch, God, it’s embarrassing, sometimes all I want is to be looked at, admired, soothed and caressed. I still want the power, I still want to make money and go mountaineering. But the thing I want most right now, God, Santa, Gloria Steinem, is some person to love me and sleep in my bed." - From The Most Massive Woman Wins
That is what has been weighing on my heart lately. No matter what is going on in my life, it seems like I always come back to that, to wanting someone to love me. I go through periods of my life where I feel okay on my own, where in fact I think it would be better if I just stayed single. Then something happens that reminds me of how amazing it can feel to be wanted, to have someone to share in your life with, and all of that resilience goes flying out the window.
And then I end up hurting because there are things about men that I do not and will never understand... like how they can say I am this beautiful, amazing, sweet, passionate person who they care about a lot, but they don't want to date me. Or maybe they even say they love me, but I am still not the one. I do not understand such things. If I am all of those things, if I am so absolutely amazing, then why is it that ever since Ben, my relationships have been with guys who ended up being not good enough for me? Why don't nice, amazing guys who are willing to give me the same love and affection and devotion I give to them ever find me? Better yet, why don't these great guys who are in my life already want to be more than a friend to me? If I am all of those things, why am I not enough?
It is all such a mystery to me. A painful, confusing mystery that involves me getting too attached to people, getting my hopes too high that I can change their minds, not reading between the lines of the things they're saying in order to not hurt me so badly. In my head, I know what it means when a guy says he doesn't know what he wants, or when he says he is scared of losing my friendship. I know that that means I will never be anything more to him. And yet here I am, hoping and pretending that my heart will get what it wants, that I will be his and he will be mine and the love we have for each other will overcome all of the pain and darkness we have both been through.
I know that isn't the way this story ends, but for now I'd rather have this than be alone again...
"But I just can’t ignore my pathetic other side -- it’s so whiny and needy inside of me. I yearn for... human touch, God, it’s embarrassing, sometimes all I want is to be looked at, admired, soothed and caressed. I still want the power, I still want to make money and go mountaineering. But the thing I want most right now, God, Santa, Gloria Steinem, is some person to love me and sleep in my bed." - From The Most Massive Woman Wins
That is what has been weighing on my heart lately. No matter what is going on in my life, it seems like I always come back to that, to wanting someone to love me. I go through periods of my life where I feel okay on my own, where in fact I think it would be better if I just stayed single. Then something happens that reminds me of how amazing it can feel to be wanted, to have someone to share in your life with, and all of that resilience goes flying out the window.
And then I end up hurting because there are things about men that I do not and will never understand... like how they can say I am this beautiful, amazing, sweet, passionate person who they care about a lot, but they don't want to date me. Or maybe they even say they love me, but I am still not the one. I do not understand such things. If I am all of those things, if I am so absolutely amazing, then why is it that ever since Ben, my relationships have been with guys who ended up being not good enough for me? Why don't nice, amazing guys who are willing to give me the same love and affection and devotion I give to them ever find me? Better yet, why don't these great guys who are in my life already want to be more than a friend to me? If I am all of those things, why am I not enough?
It is all such a mystery to me. A painful, confusing mystery that involves me getting too attached to people, getting my hopes too high that I can change their minds, not reading between the lines of the things they're saying in order to not hurt me so badly. In my head, I know what it means when a guy says he doesn't know what he wants, or when he says he is scared of losing my friendship. I know that that means I will never be anything more to him. And yet here I am, hoping and pretending that my heart will get what it wants, that I will be his and he will be mine and the love we have for each other will overcome all of the pain and darkness we have both been through.
I know that isn't the way this story ends, but for now I'd rather have this than be alone again...
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