Inspiration Pt. 2

My first day in the Stress Center is a blur. I don't remember a single thing talked about in our lessons that day. All I can remember is sitting in my small group, leg bouncing wildly, listening to someone talk, and realizing that I might actually have some people here to whom I didn't have to explain in exact detail how I felt. They already knew because they were living through it themselves. This was kind of a novel concept for me because for YEARS I had felt that the only place I could go where people understood me was the theatre. Most people in that world shared a passion, a common goal, and many emotional experiences with me. There are some things that happen in rehearsals, you see, that simply cannot be explained to anyone outside. But here I was, sitting in a room of people who were decidedly non-thespians, and yet they understood. That day, I basically sat alone at lunch. Someone sat down with me for a couple of minutes, but they left after eating just a few bites, and I don't think we really even spoke. They were new, too, so I could empathize.

The second day was better. Wednesdays in the outpatient program are Individual Expression. In the morning session, all the small groups come together, and people get up and share things that bring them happiness or that are important to them. Never being one to have been afraid of public speaking, I went up to share. It had taken me awhile to decide what to bring, but in the end, I showed everyone this custom-made coin that Jerry Vornholt gave to me at the end of Miracle on 34th Street. He gave it to me for reflecting my light and sharing it with the world. It means a lot to me. Everyone asked lots of questions. After that, it was back to the usual... small group, lunch, afternoon session. The food, at least, was edible. That day, some people sat down and ate with me, people talked to me, they were all actually interested in learning more about me and about what I do.

I maintained this schedule for another two days, then it was the weekend. On Monday, I was told that I had been moved down to three times a day, just the half day. That was encouraging. In the weeks to come, I felt myself improving quickly, which was great, but I needed to consider why all of a sudden I was feeling better. It didn't take long for me to figure it out, truthfully. In the past, I had always considered my isolation to be a symptom of my depression, but through this experience I discovered that my isolation could cause these depressive episodes. I knew my first step had to be to reach out and try to make new, positive connections with people I could actually spend time with in person.

Enter Lauren Johnson.

Lauren and I had met during Godspell, and in some ways we were very similar. We always tried to keep people on task and "mother" other cast members, bringing them under our wing. We encouraged them when they felt down and weren't afraid to give them a kick in the pants if they were goofing off too much. Her personality was a little bigger and brighter than mine, but that was okay. I could use bigger and brighter in my life. Even though I didn't really have the money, I asked her if she wanted to go out for a dinner date sometime. She exuberantly responded with a yes. Then we actually ended up going to dinner and then going to see the kids show at HCT. It was one of the best nights I'd had out in a long time. She even bought me dessert, and we split a blondie at Applebee's. It felt good to have someone to spend time with, and it felt even better to actually tell someone what I had been going through.

The next step was becoming a more responsible adult, which proved to be a little more challenging...