I have spent the majority of my post-high school years single or in some type of awkward relationship that I wasn't allowed to put on Facebook or call them my boyfriend. While that probably sounds pretty depressing, it has taught me a lot. I've been an onlooker as friends and family have fallen in love, had their hearts broken, gotten married, gotten divorced, or as they continued on their own single-person journey with varying degrees of grace.
For me, it started as it does with so many young women, with an idealistic picture of the perfect man and the perfect relationship. He would say and do certain things, he would spoil me, he would protect me, we would never fight or disagree. Every weekend would be rose petals and picnics and kissing under the stars. There were times I thought I had found something like that, only to realize that they were actually just very good manipulators who were skilled at preying on naive girls like me. They would say and do the sweetest things only to disappear on me, making me feel desperate and scared and out of control. Then they would come back and make me feel ridiculous for being so "emotional" or "irrational." (In case you're reading this and think that sounds like your current "relationship," let me be the first to inform you that this is emotional abuse. Your partner is trying to break you and control you so that you are totally dependent upon them for your worth. You need to get out of that situation as fast as you can.)
These encounters really did a number on me. They made me become very guarded and absolutely terrified to feel any kind of real connection with a partner. I would play my role, doing what I was supposed to do, saying what I knew I was supposed to say, but at the end of the day I had many very brief relationships that ended, and it didn't even phase me because I hadn't allowed myself to make any sort of emotional connection with that person.
And then we come to my period of resolute singleness. I stopped even trying to reach out to find someone to have a relationship with. In the end, I had decided that relationships and dating were more stress than they were worth, and the last thing I needed was more stress. I finished school, got a good job, and spent a lot of time really trying to understand myself. I learned a lot - like for years I had believed I was an extrovert only to realize that I'm not, and I actually need a significant amount of alone time to balance out the amount of time I spend socializing with people. I learned how to better recognize the signs of my oncoming anxiety and what I needed to do to cope with that in the moment instead of letting it build up into a complete system break down. In short, I got to a place where I was fine with being alone. I accepted that if I never found anyone who was a good fit for me, and if I had to be single for the rest of my life, I would be okay with that.
There was so much power and freedom in that realization. It allowed me to be as picky as I wanted to be. It let me say, "Does this person energize me or does it drain my energy just to talk to them?" It helped me learn to say no. It opened my heart and mind to see through the bullshit people give you upfront and determine when someone is being their genuine self. It gave me the sense to know when someone was worth the risk of being hurt again and when they weren't. With that power and freedom, I plunged back into the labyrinth that is online dating, but this time it was completely different. No longer was i some desperate, attention-seeking girl who blushed every time someone told her she was pretty. Now I was a confident, successful, intuitive young woman who knew she was beautiful and smart and a true catch.
I have been dating someone for almost a month now. I don't know where it will go, but I'm okay with that. He is patient and understanding. He always follows through on what he says he is going to do. He listens when he knows I need to talk, and he is quiet when he knows I don't want to. He encourages me to step outside my comfort zone and is there 100% to support me when I do. He has goals and dreams and is working hard to achieve them. He understands the importance of family. We don't have extravagant dates every week, but for once I am fine with that because I don't feel like I need those big displays anymore. For once, I feel like I can trust and believe in what someone says because his actions always back up his words.
So, what's the moral of this blog post? I guess it's this... I think that if you want to find true happiness in a relationship, you have to find true happiness outside of a relationship. You need to be happy being alone with just yourself (and maybe your dog) and be okay with that. Know who you are and empower yourself to be picky about who you let in your life. Being single isn't a death sentence, and you never know who is waiting after you swipe left.
For me, it started as it does with so many young women, with an idealistic picture of the perfect man and the perfect relationship. He would say and do certain things, he would spoil me, he would protect me, we would never fight or disagree. Every weekend would be rose petals and picnics and kissing under the stars. There were times I thought I had found something like that, only to realize that they were actually just very good manipulators who were skilled at preying on naive girls like me. They would say and do the sweetest things only to disappear on me, making me feel desperate and scared and out of control. Then they would come back and make me feel ridiculous for being so "emotional" or "irrational." (In case you're reading this and think that sounds like your current "relationship," let me be the first to inform you that this is emotional abuse. Your partner is trying to break you and control you so that you are totally dependent upon them for your worth. You need to get out of that situation as fast as you can.)
These encounters really did a number on me. They made me become very guarded and absolutely terrified to feel any kind of real connection with a partner. I would play my role, doing what I was supposed to do, saying what I knew I was supposed to say, but at the end of the day I had many very brief relationships that ended, and it didn't even phase me because I hadn't allowed myself to make any sort of emotional connection with that person.
And then we come to my period of resolute singleness. I stopped even trying to reach out to find someone to have a relationship with. In the end, I had decided that relationships and dating were more stress than they were worth, and the last thing I needed was more stress. I finished school, got a good job, and spent a lot of time really trying to understand myself. I learned a lot - like for years I had believed I was an extrovert only to realize that I'm not, and I actually need a significant amount of alone time to balance out the amount of time I spend socializing with people. I learned how to better recognize the signs of my oncoming anxiety and what I needed to do to cope with that in the moment instead of letting it build up into a complete system break down. In short, I got to a place where I was fine with being alone. I accepted that if I never found anyone who was a good fit for me, and if I had to be single for the rest of my life, I would be okay with that.
There was so much power and freedom in that realization. It allowed me to be as picky as I wanted to be. It let me say, "Does this person energize me or does it drain my energy just to talk to them?" It helped me learn to say no. It opened my heart and mind to see through the bullshit people give you upfront and determine when someone is being their genuine self. It gave me the sense to know when someone was worth the risk of being hurt again and when they weren't. With that power and freedom, I plunged back into the labyrinth that is online dating, but this time it was completely different. No longer was i some desperate, attention-seeking girl who blushed every time someone told her she was pretty. Now I was a confident, successful, intuitive young woman who knew she was beautiful and smart and a true catch.
I have been dating someone for almost a month now. I don't know where it will go, but I'm okay with that. He is patient and understanding. He always follows through on what he says he is going to do. He listens when he knows I need to talk, and he is quiet when he knows I don't want to. He encourages me to step outside my comfort zone and is there 100% to support me when I do. He has goals and dreams and is working hard to achieve them. He understands the importance of family. We don't have extravagant dates every week, but for once I am fine with that because I don't feel like I need those big displays anymore. For once, I feel like I can trust and believe in what someone says because his actions always back up his words.
So, what's the moral of this blog post? I guess it's this... I think that if you want to find true happiness in a relationship, you have to find true happiness outside of a relationship. You need to be happy being alone with just yourself (and maybe your dog) and be okay with that. Know who you are and empower yourself to be picky about who you let in your life. Being single isn't a death sentence, and you never know who is waiting after you swipe left.
Comments
Post a Comment