Peace.
I can't remember the last time I could sit alone in my room and truly say that I felt at peace. I have homework that needs to get done, shows I need to prepare for, camps that need planned, and yet I don't want to do any of it. I just want to sit here and soak in this feeling, and honestly I don't feel the slightest bit of guilt for putting everything else off. For the first time in my life, I feel like my life is how it is supposed to be. I don't need to be busy or have new projects to work on or bother my exboyfriend or desperately try to find someone to hang out with in order to feel happy. I am happy just sitting here, just being. It is a feeling I've never experienced before, and yet it is probably the most beautiful thing I have yet to feel in my life.
I don't know whether to smile or laugh or cry or dance or... all of the above! After so many years of feeling trapped and having this inexplicable urge to run, I finally feel free. For so long I have been searching for the place that I belong, my corner of the sky, that one place where I could be astonishing. I feel astonishing. I like my life, and most importantly, I like the person I am. Never in a million years did I think I would say that, but it's true. I like being me.
In middle school and high school, I wrote poem after poem about wanting to belong somewhere and about someone coming and rescuing me and saying they'd take care of me, and I wouldn't ever have to be alone ever again. For so long, I felt like I needed other people to complete me and make me a whole person, like if I could just find that one special person, life would magically be better, and I would suddenly enjoy my life and like myself and be happy. If I could go back in time and talk to the girl I was back then, I would tell her that isn't how it works. Sure, when you feel so connected to people like I do, you do need people around you. You can't just shut everyone out. And yes, it is about finding the right people to surround yourself with, but it doesn't have to be some muscley, chivalrous prince riding in on a white horse to save you. It's about finding people who don't just take and take and take from you without ever giving anything back. THAT is what makes you a whole person, when you find a balance inside yourself between what you give to people and what they give back in return.
I hope that I never forget this feeling, and I hope that I continue to find myself feeling this way. I hope most of all, though, that all of you who have never felt this way can find this place soon because if you are reading this, you most definitely deserve to have this feeling, too.
I can't remember the last time I could sit alone in my room and truly say that I felt at peace. I have homework that needs to get done, shows I need to prepare for, camps that need planned, and yet I don't want to do any of it. I just want to sit here and soak in this feeling, and honestly I don't feel the slightest bit of guilt for putting everything else off. For the first time in my life, I feel like my life is how it is supposed to be. I don't need to be busy or have new projects to work on or bother my exboyfriend or desperately try to find someone to hang out with in order to feel happy. I am happy just sitting here, just being. It is a feeling I've never experienced before, and yet it is probably the most beautiful thing I have yet to feel in my life.
I don't know whether to smile or laugh or cry or dance or... all of the above! After so many years of feeling trapped and having this inexplicable urge to run, I finally feel free. For so long I have been searching for the place that I belong, my corner of the sky, that one place where I could be astonishing. I feel astonishing. I like my life, and most importantly, I like the person I am. Never in a million years did I think I would say that, but it's true. I like being me.
In middle school and high school, I wrote poem after poem about wanting to belong somewhere and about someone coming and rescuing me and saying they'd take care of me, and I wouldn't ever have to be alone ever again. For so long, I felt like I needed other people to complete me and make me a whole person, like if I could just find that one special person, life would magically be better, and I would suddenly enjoy my life and like myself and be happy. If I could go back in time and talk to the girl I was back then, I would tell her that isn't how it works. Sure, when you feel so connected to people like I do, you do need people around you. You can't just shut everyone out. And yes, it is about finding the right people to surround yourself with, but it doesn't have to be some muscley, chivalrous prince riding in on a white horse to save you. It's about finding people who don't just take and take and take from you without ever giving anything back. THAT is what makes you a whole person, when you find a balance inside yourself between what you give to people and what they give back in return.
I hope that I never forget this feeling, and I hope that I continue to find myself feeling this way. I hope most of all, though, that all of you who have never felt this way can find this place soon because if you are reading this, you most definitely deserve to have this feeling, too.
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