There are a lot of things I don't understand, and far too many things that I don't know. 2010 was not an easy year, but it was definitely a year that took me on a journey, and I have changed more in the last year than I ever have before. I think, though, that I didn't realize the biggest way I had changed until yesterday when I was leaving my cousin Stephanie's hospital room and looked over to see my cousin Chase gazing at his new son in my aunt's arms. The look on his face was so incredibly beautiful it could have brought tears to my eyes, and that was the moment I realized that that was what I wanted: someone who wants to go through life's journeys with me.
I have never been the kind of girl who could just let go of people. I fall too fast, love too hard, and get my hopes up too high. I give so much more to most people than I ever receive in return, but I blame my mother for teaching me to do that. I hold on to people until I have no other choice but to let them go, and I never stop hoping for that blockbuster moment when the guy shows up at your door with an apology and sweeps you off your feet until I have no reason to hope for that anymore. Maybe that's not the best way to live, maybe it's unhealthy, and maybe I should learn to let go of people, but that is just who I am. Do I get hurt a lot? Yes. Do I spend a lot of nights crying? Yes. Do I say and do some really stupid things to try and get guys back? Probably. But I would rather be this girl than the kind of girl who won't let herself get attached to anyone for too long.
Being with Ben was... wonderful for the most part. We understand things about each other that no one else can understand. I had more fun with him than with any other guy I've ever dated. He was so sweet and caring and generous. He knew it probably wasn't going to work out between us, but he wanted to try to make it work, he decided that I was worth taking the chance. I have so many great memories with him in just the few short months we were together. I can honestly say I had never felt so lucky, so adored, or so at peace in a relationship than I was with him. Unlike previous relationships, I'm not afraid to let him go because I'm afraid of being alone or of never finding anyone else. I know I'm not alone because I have some of the world's greatest friends, and I know that some day I will find someone else because I always do. I don't want to let him go because he's become one of my best friends, and I'm afraid that we can never go back to being just friends.
As scared as I am, though, I know that when I leave for school in a week, I will have to find a way to let him go. He is a great guy, and someday he will make someone really, really happy. I know, though, that he and I are at two very different places in life. I look around me, and I realize that my dreams are coming true every single day. Ben doesn't even know what his dreams are yet, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it isn't fair to ask him to watch my life move forward and drag him along when he needs time and space to figure out which direction his life needs to go. If I could help him figure out where to go, I would do it... do whatever he needed me to do in a second, but these are choices that he has to make on his own. He has to deal with his fears and uncertainties and confusion in his own way and on his own time. I can't keep pushing him to take that leap of faith if he's not ready to fly. I know that being with me is not what he wants or needs right now.
I also know now that I deserve to be what the guy I'm with wants. I deserve to be the only hand he wants to hold. As selfless of a person as I usually am, I know that it doesn't do anyone any good for me to sit around and wait for someone to change and be ready to be committed to me, just like I know it doesn't do anyone any good for me to try and change and be that girl who is okay with their guy seeing other girls. That has never been me, and it never will be me, and I shouldn't have to change who I am just to hold on to something that needs to be let go of. I deserve to be loved for who I am. As someone once told me, I deserve someone who will look at me at my worst moments and say, "That's my Tara, and I love her."
I will never regret being with Ben. There are things about people and life that we just can't help, that we can't change, and no matter how hard you try to make something work, some things are just meant to be. I am so incredibly thankful for the time I spent as his, though. He gave and showed me so many things that I had never had before. He took me on real dates, bought me presents, called me just to say goodnight because he wanted to and not because I asked him to; he tried to befriend my little brother and shoveled our driveway for my mom; his family welcomed me with open arms and took an interest in getting to know me. I had never had a boyfriend's family do that before, and maybe that's one of the hardest things to let go of... his family: sitting around and playing games with them, listening to their stories, feeling welcome and wanted with them. His aunt even asked Ben to bring me back on Christmas after he came and picked me up. My presence was requested by his family, and that has certainly never happened before.
I refuse to let bitterness or jealousy creep into my heart and replace the feelings I have now. There is no one to blame and nothing anyone could have done differently. Que será, será. What will be, will be.
"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn, and we are lead to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return..."
I have never been the kind of girl who could just let go of people. I fall too fast, love too hard, and get my hopes up too high. I give so much more to most people than I ever receive in return, but I blame my mother for teaching me to do that. I hold on to people until I have no other choice but to let them go, and I never stop hoping for that blockbuster moment when the guy shows up at your door with an apology and sweeps you off your feet until I have no reason to hope for that anymore. Maybe that's not the best way to live, maybe it's unhealthy, and maybe I should learn to let go of people, but that is just who I am. Do I get hurt a lot? Yes. Do I spend a lot of nights crying? Yes. Do I say and do some really stupid things to try and get guys back? Probably. But I would rather be this girl than the kind of girl who won't let herself get attached to anyone for too long.
Being with Ben was... wonderful for the most part. We understand things about each other that no one else can understand. I had more fun with him than with any other guy I've ever dated. He was so sweet and caring and generous. He knew it probably wasn't going to work out between us, but he wanted to try to make it work, he decided that I was worth taking the chance. I have so many great memories with him in just the few short months we were together. I can honestly say I had never felt so lucky, so adored, or so at peace in a relationship than I was with him. Unlike previous relationships, I'm not afraid to let him go because I'm afraid of being alone or of never finding anyone else. I know I'm not alone because I have some of the world's greatest friends, and I know that some day I will find someone else because I always do. I don't want to let him go because he's become one of my best friends, and I'm afraid that we can never go back to being just friends.
As scared as I am, though, I know that when I leave for school in a week, I will have to find a way to let him go. He is a great guy, and someday he will make someone really, really happy. I know, though, that he and I are at two very different places in life. I look around me, and I realize that my dreams are coming true every single day. Ben doesn't even know what his dreams are yet, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it isn't fair to ask him to watch my life move forward and drag him along when he needs time and space to figure out which direction his life needs to go. If I could help him figure out where to go, I would do it... do whatever he needed me to do in a second, but these are choices that he has to make on his own. He has to deal with his fears and uncertainties and confusion in his own way and on his own time. I can't keep pushing him to take that leap of faith if he's not ready to fly. I know that being with me is not what he wants or needs right now.
I also know now that I deserve to be what the guy I'm with wants. I deserve to be the only hand he wants to hold. As selfless of a person as I usually am, I know that it doesn't do anyone any good for me to sit around and wait for someone to change and be ready to be committed to me, just like I know it doesn't do anyone any good for me to try and change and be that girl who is okay with their guy seeing other girls. That has never been me, and it never will be me, and I shouldn't have to change who I am just to hold on to something that needs to be let go of. I deserve to be loved for who I am. As someone once told me, I deserve someone who will look at me at my worst moments and say, "That's my Tara, and I love her."
I will never regret being with Ben. There are things about people and life that we just can't help, that we can't change, and no matter how hard you try to make something work, some things are just meant to be. I am so incredibly thankful for the time I spent as his, though. He gave and showed me so many things that I had never had before. He took me on real dates, bought me presents, called me just to say goodnight because he wanted to and not because I asked him to; he tried to befriend my little brother and shoveled our driveway for my mom; his family welcomed me with open arms and took an interest in getting to know me. I had never had a boyfriend's family do that before, and maybe that's one of the hardest things to let go of... his family: sitting around and playing games with them, listening to their stories, feeling welcome and wanted with them. His aunt even asked Ben to bring me back on Christmas after he came and picked me up. My presence was requested by his family, and that has certainly never happened before.
I refuse to let bitterness or jealousy creep into my heart and replace the feelings I have now. There is no one to blame and nothing anyone could have done differently. Que será, será. What will be, will be.
"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn, and we are lead to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return..."
Comments
Post a Comment