Souza: "For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination."
There are some things in life that are simply too beautiful for me to describe, and I like words (as I'm sure you have probably realized if you have ever read my blog before), so it's saying something if I can't find a way to describe it. So often lately, I find myself just observing the life that is around me: my life, the lives of others, the way they all intertwine, connect, mix, and alter each other. Two years ago, I would have sat back and observed life in much the same way, except back then I felt like an outsider, like life was controlling me for the most part, and that I was just out of place no matter where or with whom I was. Now, I just look around me and am astounded to see how vivid and tangible and real my life, relationships, dreams, and world have become.
Friday morning, we were having Pancake Friday, which we have started as a tradition here in the house, and basically we just invite friends over for breakfast. We make pancakes, they eat them, and we just have a good time. It filled my heart with so much warmth to be standing in the kitchen and look over at our little table and see my friends eating, smiling, talking, and just having fun. To hear the chatter and laughter and to feel that amount of love just filling our house in the bright sunshine of the clear morning was one of those indescribable sensations I was referring to. If I had to imagine what it would be like to be a mother, I would guess it would feel something like that: to just look and see your family happy and healthy for that brief moment they share a breakfast together and know that you could not possibly feel anymore love at one time. There is such a beauty in that simplicity.
This morning, I had to wake up quite a bit earlier than I would have liked to go be at auditions for Joseph. To be honest, I had been dreading the process for weeks now because I hate going through auditions, and I hate watching auditions, and I hate casting, and I hate telling people they didn't make the cut. It breaks my heart to do those things because it broke my heart when I had to endure them. The exact moment that I saw all the kids file in and sit down, though, I remembered why this was all going to be worth it.
You see, the beautiful thing about kids is that even though all those kids knew they were competing against each other for those 8 parts, they don't truly have that sense of feeling overjoyed when someone does badly because it means you have a better chance. A child sees another child walking on stage looking nervous, and they cheer for that scared child as loud as they can until that child is smiling so big they can't really be that nervous anymore. The beautiful thing about kids is that they don't care if they're talking to me or Harold Freaking Mortimer; they aren't intimidated by your name. We spend so much of our time trying to impress the right people, and a kid looks at Dr. Mortimer and says, "Yeah, Harold! The Price is Right! Come on down!" And from that bold glimpse of that boy's personality, he was pretty much guaranteed a spot in the show.
People spend so much time these days talking about how kids are so disrespectful now, or that they're disconnected from the real world because they spend too much time playing video games, or that we need to stick them in more math and science classes so that academically we can compete with the rest of the world, but I can't help but wonder how many of those people would change their mind if they walked into pretty much any kind of artistic endeavor involving children. How can they say that these kids, who can get up on a stage in a real theatre, sing with an accompanist, and take direction in a high-pressure situation like an audition, are disconnected or struggling to compete with the rest of the world? Those kids are brave and confident enough to do something that probably 75-80% of adults wouldn't do! That is just so indescribably beautiful to me.
I feel like I have spent so much of my life searching for happiness, and I think that maybe that's normal to feel when you're growing up. And, you know, I never did find happiness; it found me. I set out on a path to reach kids through a camp, to give them a passion, a place where their dreams could come true, a safe place to be themselves, and somewhere in that chaotic summer, I changed. It was like for the first time in my life, everything felt real. I finally honestly felt like I was living my life and not just going through the motions. The last few days have reminded me of that feeling, and even though I am so exhausted and worn out right now, I am just so on fire to be alive and to be making the choice to just live my life and not let the obstacles get in my way.
"Dreams become reality one choice at a time."
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