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To Be in Love

Do you remember the first time you thought you were in love? I do. I remember it, and I will never forget it, and I have some really great stories from that 3 year relationship... that started when I was 13. I also remember the second time I thought I was in love. And the third. Those two relationships, not as many great stories.

I am in love. Yes, in love with a guy. With Ben.

For months now, I have been sort of shy about admitting it, but there it is. I'm throwing it out there. Who cares if the whole world knows? Ben knows! Go ahead and judge me upon the fact that I am in love with a guy who isn't even officially my boyfriend, with a guy who I was sort of with, then definitely with, then sort of with again, then broken up with, and am now sort of with again. Let me ask you, though, what makes you qualified to judge who I am in love with? There are so many factors of life that go into people's relationships, and the fact that we have this idea that relationships always have to fit this perfect little mold is ridiculous.

I am happy.

I am in love, and I am happy.

At random points throughout the day, I will just think of him, and I just smile and get this feeling like I'm glowing. Ben and I are so great together, and I have said that from the beginning. There is something about us that just fits, and I can't explain it or put it into words, but I think anyone who has really seen us together would agree with that. Being with him is easy; even when things are hard, it's easy. I don't ever find myself wishing he would change something about himself or feeling like I need to change something about myself to be good enough for him.

But you want to know what the most amazing thing about my relationship with Ben? I don't ever feel used, neglected, unimportant, ignored, or like I am a "have to" kind of thing. We see each other when we can and when we both want to. We talk and text as much as we want to or need to, and if there's nothing to talk about it's okay for us to spend time not talking. I don't feel like I constantly have to check in with him, worry about him or things with us, or wonder if he will be there for me when I need him. Because you know what? Ben always finds a way to be there for me when I need him. Even if I am just having a really hard time and his living room is filled with his friends, he will call me just to say hi and talk to me until I'm okay. If I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and don't want to be alone, he will call me no matter what time it is and talk to me until I fall back asleep.

I don't have to ask him to do things for me. He just knows what I need and gives it to me.

I knew months ago that Ben loved me, even if he just said it for the first time a week ago. To me, that is when you absolutely know you're in love. I know Ben loves with me, without any doubt in my mind, without him saying it.

There's a song by Natasha Bedingfield called "Soulmate" and I listened to it so much last summer because it perfectly described how I was feeling that summer. The chorus was, "Who doesn't long for someone to hold, who knows how to love you without being told. Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soulmate for everyone." Now, I have found someone to hold, and he does know how to love me without me having to ask him to do a single thing.

I'm in love with a boy named Ben.

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