I never thought I'd say this...

I started this blog almost a week ago... maybe now I can bring myself to finish it.

I have been struggling with how to start this blog since the moment I got in the car and drove away from the cast party 30 minutes ago. As soon as the silence washed over me, I felt the need to write, to reflect, and to hopefully find some new meaning to all of the emotions whirring around inside of me.

As I was on the road home, alone without even the radio turned on to keep me company, this vision of my future overwhelmed me. I suddenly felt as though it was very possible that I would be making a drive home like this every night in the future... the sky is beginning to get dark, I'm alone in the car with my thoughts, knowing that I am going home to an empty apartment, to an empty bed, to a daily life of dinner alone. Sure, I had pondered that possibility before from the dark gloom of depression and low self-esteem, but until tonight it had never seemed real to me. In that short drive, I was truly confronted with the fact that I may never find someone who will be able to love and understand me in a way that leads to a fulfilling relationship for both of us. I spend almost all of my time at rehearsal, class, work, and working on things for a show or camp, and those rare moments that I do get a chance to breathe and take a break, I rarely want the constant company of others. Yes, I want to always know that I am not alone, that there is someone else here with me, but when I find myself trying to relax, it is usually by locking myself in my room for hours and reading a book. How do I explain that to a man? How can I expect someone to want to be in a relationship where I mostly just want to spend time alone with them in peaceful silence?

Last weekend, we had a panel discussion of current theatre teachers from the state. Someone asked them how they balance their personal life with their professional life. The response from one of the teachers was, "You don't." She went on to explain that people who chose this path, to become theatre teachers, are very rare, and it isn't often that you can find others who understand your life... unless they live a similar life. It has to be someone full of a passion to make the world better, to make a difference. You have to find someone who is willing to be whatever it is you need in that moment and never ever make you feel bad for what you want or don't want when you come home at night. And yet it also can't be someone who is subservient or overly eager to please... it has to be someone who is as strong and fierce as you are, but who also shares your compassion and ability to love.

None of that seems real to me... not that I don't believe men exist like that because I am lucky enough to know men, some young and some old, who are like that, but it seems to be becoming a more and more distant possibility for me to find one who will love me. Somehow, though, I'm starting to be okay with that. Yes, right now I am lonely and wish I did have someone who could love me that way, but I am beginning to accept that it is unrealistic to expect 99% of men my age to want or be able to be with someone like me in a happy, successful, stable relationship. Hopefully, one day, I will be okay spending my nights alone knowing that I spend my days making a difference in the world...