No, seriously. What am I doing? What am I doing allowing myself to backslide so far? Where has the girl gone who would rather stand on her own two feet even when the weight of living was causing her knees to buckle? Where has the girl gone who said she was off to defy gravity and any man who wanted to be in her life had better learn to fly? Where is she?
But I tell myself I'm fine.
I tell myself it will get better once this happens or that happens. I keep making plans and reaching toward the future praying that I find something to grab onto that I can use to pull myself up out of this awful place I've been in lately. The only thing that keeps me going is telling myself tomorrow will be better. I wouldn't say I have given up because that's not true. Mostly, I just feel... empty. When I'm with friends, I hardly talk, I hardly even think really... I'm just kind of there. The only thing that gets me to come out of that is being needed or having advice to give to them. Even being needed wasn't always enough. I'd ignore calls and messages or make up reasons why I couldn't help them out so I didn't have to get up and leave. There have been many days that I have laid on the couch all day, and before I know it, it's evening, and I have absolutely no idea what I did all day because it wasn't anything substantial.
But I just keep saying I'll be fine.
I slept on my mom's couch for three weeks, mooching off of my family, letting everyone else take care of me, not getting up for anything more than to let my dog outside. I couldn't face coming home to this apartment. The disheveled state of my room was all too reflective of my state of mind: things randomly thrown in boxes that were never unpacked, no order or organization or plan. I blamed not coming home on everything from my roommate's cat to my family needing my help to not having enough money to buy groceries. Yet, I never did much to correct any of those situations. I put in several job applications, even went to several interviews, even got offered a job... and I couldn't be bothered to call her back. How could I come home and face my roommate who is holding down two jobs, going to school, and still finding time for her boyfriend, friends, family, and cat? I had gone into a complete shut down.
But I just kept lying so no one would be disappointed in me.
My outfit of choice pretty much every day was sweatpants and a t-shirt at best, and sometimes I'd wear the same outfit two or three days in a row. I wasn't showering every day or taking care of myself in the slightest. If there wasn't anyone at my mom's to fix me food and nothing easy to heat up really fast, I just didn't eat. To be honest, I probably would have just slept all day every day if it wasn't for Gus. He knows I'm hurting, he feels it. He won't leave my side at night, which is by far the hardest time of the day for me. He would insist on sleeping on the couch with me... usually at least partially on top of me. People kept saying they were there for me if they needed to talk, and I know they meant it, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. How do you put the way I've been feeling into words?
I feel... like a failure? apathetic? derailed? like my mind isn't capable of organized thought? lonely? distant? like there's a barrier keeping me from connecting with anyone around me?
That doesn't really describe it...
I realize that I'm not keeping all of this in a very consistent verb tense, but if you could see inside my mind, you would understand why. I'm not sure if I'm still in this place or if I've started to find my way out. At least tonight, I actually feel. It may be anxiety over things I can't control, like I'm walking on egg shells with some people, heartache for the people I care about who are hurting so much right now, hunger, or physical pain from actually being productive today, but at least I am feeling! They may not be good feelings, but at least I don't feel empty or apathetic or like nothing can get inside and affect me.
But why has it changed?
Was it just time? Was I just ready for it to all change? Is it because Sonny is back in my life and the way that he touches my heart just... thawed me out? Is it because for some reason, it has always been so easy to open myself up and let him in? Or maybe it's because for the first time in over a year, I laid next to a man who let me lay my head on his chest, who took my hand into his, who reminded me that as much as I may try to deny it, I am so much happier when I have someone to show me affection like that. Like other people who have managed to inspire me to turn back on, he will probably never understand the significance of what he has done for me, what he is still doing for me day by day. He'll probably never read this, probably never know that he has saved me, and even if he did know, he would never want credit for it. He may be hurting, too, and he may be in so much pain, and I may be trying my hardest to help him, to show him he can be happy... and yet he is the one who has pulled me out of the darkness.
And I'm starting to believe that I'll be fine again.
I look at Sonny, and there is no doubt in my mind that we could love each other tremendously and make each other so, so happy if we would both stop thinking we would do nothing but cause the other pain. We both have so much to give and are so used to not getting enough back in return. I can't imagine what it would be like for us to allow ourselves to love each other that deeply. Not that things are heading that way, not that I am laying here thinking that is what he wants, because I know it isn't what he wants right now and certainly not what he needs. There's a part of me, though, that feels like this is the last chance for that what if to happen. I can think of no one who deserves happiness more than Sonny. Life has not been kind to him, and the best I can do for him is tell him I'm here for him and make jokes and send him texts with smiley faces? That seems so inadequate to express how much my heart wants to fill up the holes in his...
I don't know.
I don't know what's coming. Every day is a new challenge, a new adventure, a new fight. All I know is that tonight, that unorganized, disheveled mess of a room is finally making some sense after working on it all day. Maybe that means my thoughts will figure themselves out soon as well...
But I tell myself I'm fine.
I tell myself it will get better once this happens or that happens. I keep making plans and reaching toward the future praying that I find something to grab onto that I can use to pull myself up out of this awful place I've been in lately. The only thing that keeps me going is telling myself tomorrow will be better. I wouldn't say I have given up because that's not true. Mostly, I just feel... empty. When I'm with friends, I hardly talk, I hardly even think really... I'm just kind of there. The only thing that gets me to come out of that is being needed or having advice to give to them. Even being needed wasn't always enough. I'd ignore calls and messages or make up reasons why I couldn't help them out so I didn't have to get up and leave. There have been many days that I have laid on the couch all day, and before I know it, it's evening, and I have absolutely no idea what I did all day because it wasn't anything substantial.
But I just keep saying I'll be fine.
I slept on my mom's couch for three weeks, mooching off of my family, letting everyone else take care of me, not getting up for anything more than to let my dog outside. I couldn't face coming home to this apartment. The disheveled state of my room was all too reflective of my state of mind: things randomly thrown in boxes that were never unpacked, no order or organization or plan. I blamed not coming home on everything from my roommate's cat to my family needing my help to not having enough money to buy groceries. Yet, I never did much to correct any of those situations. I put in several job applications, even went to several interviews, even got offered a job... and I couldn't be bothered to call her back. How could I come home and face my roommate who is holding down two jobs, going to school, and still finding time for her boyfriend, friends, family, and cat? I had gone into a complete shut down.
But I just kept lying so no one would be disappointed in me.
My outfit of choice pretty much every day was sweatpants and a t-shirt at best, and sometimes I'd wear the same outfit two or three days in a row. I wasn't showering every day or taking care of myself in the slightest. If there wasn't anyone at my mom's to fix me food and nothing easy to heat up really fast, I just didn't eat. To be honest, I probably would have just slept all day every day if it wasn't for Gus. He knows I'm hurting, he feels it. He won't leave my side at night, which is by far the hardest time of the day for me. He would insist on sleeping on the couch with me... usually at least partially on top of me. People kept saying they were there for me if they needed to talk, and I know they meant it, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. How do you put the way I've been feeling into words?
I feel... like a failure? apathetic? derailed? like my mind isn't capable of organized thought? lonely? distant? like there's a barrier keeping me from connecting with anyone around me?
That doesn't really describe it...
I realize that I'm not keeping all of this in a very consistent verb tense, but if you could see inside my mind, you would understand why. I'm not sure if I'm still in this place or if I've started to find my way out. At least tonight, I actually feel. It may be anxiety over things I can't control, like I'm walking on egg shells with some people, heartache for the people I care about who are hurting so much right now, hunger, or physical pain from actually being productive today, but at least I am feeling! They may not be good feelings, but at least I don't feel empty or apathetic or like nothing can get inside and affect me.
But why has it changed?
Was it just time? Was I just ready for it to all change? Is it because Sonny is back in my life and the way that he touches my heart just... thawed me out? Is it because for some reason, it has always been so easy to open myself up and let him in? Or maybe it's because for the first time in over a year, I laid next to a man who let me lay my head on his chest, who took my hand into his, who reminded me that as much as I may try to deny it, I am so much happier when I have someone to show me affection like that. Like other people who have managed to inspire me to turn back on, he will probably never understand the significance of what he has done for me, what he is still doing for me day by day. He'll probably never read this, probably never know that he has saved me, and even if he did know, he would never want credit for it. He may be hurting, too, and he may be in so much pain, and I may be trying my hardest to help him, to show him he can be happy... and yet he is the one who has pulled me out of the darkness.
And I'm starting to believe that I'll be fine again.
I look at Sonny, and there is no doubt in my mind that we could love each other tremendously and make each other so, so happy if we would both stop thinking we would do nothing but cause the other pain. We both have so much to give and are so used to not getting enough back in return. I can't imagine what it would be like for us to allow ourselves to love each other that deeply. Not that things are heading that way, not that I am laying here thinking that is what he wants, because I know it isn't what he wants right now and certainly not what he needs. There's a part of me, though, that feels like this is the last chance for that what if to happen. I can think of no one who deserves happiness more than Sonny. Life has not been kind to him, and the best I can do for him is tell him I'm here for him and make jokes and send him texts with smiley faces? That seems so inadequate to express how much my heart wants to fill up the holes in his...
I don't know.
I don't know what's coming. Every day is a new challenge, a new adventure, a new fight. All I know is that tonight, that unorganized, disheveled mess of a room is finally making some sense after working on it all day. Maybe that means my thoughts will figure themselves out soon as well...
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