I am a dreamer.
I always have been.
It's both a blessing and a curse.
It's great that I can come up with these beautiful, big ideas about which few others would dare to dream. I think it's awesome that I have goals like making the world a better place and changing someone's life, and that I feel perfectly capable of achieving them. Most the time, I think that I'm very lucky to be a romantic who hasn't lost her hope, one who still believes in fairy tale loves, happily ever afters, soul mates, and the undeniable power of love to overcome any and all other forces.
Being a dreamer, though, also has its downside, especially in relationships: disappointment and a willingness to compromise your standards in pursuit of your lofty ideals of romance and love. I also have a tendency to settle for something less than I deserve while convincing myself it's perfect. As long as he says he loves me, I tell myself it doesn't matter if he's not everything I want and need. As a matter of fact, I have always shied away from specifically defining the things I need and want in a relationship because if I write it down, if I admit that there are things I need and want, then how can I go on pretending someone is perfect for me? I guess subconsciously I've always had this mentality that I would take what I could get as long as the guy wasn't creepy or blatantly abusive. In a way, I suppose I just assumed that no one would ever live up to my standards fully anyway, so why did it matter?
Slowly but surely, though, I'm beginning to see the light and understand the truth.
How can I expect a really incredible guy to love me and want to be with me if I don't believe I am worth this guy's love? If I don't think that I owe it to myself to be with someone who can give me the things I need and want, how can I even pretend that I am going to find a meaningful, fulfilling relationship that will make me entirely happy?
I recognize those things and know the answers to those questions, and yet there's still this fear in me that no one will ever be able to love me that deeply. People try to boost my self-image in this area all the time, telling me that there's someone out there who will love me, and that I'm an incredible person who deserves, "so much better." I know, though, that no matter what other people tell me, my acceptance of the fact that I'm truly deserving of an incredible love has to come from within me. No self-help book is going to change my life by telling me I'm beautiful over and over. No stranger on a bus is going to monologue to me and change my opinion of my self-worth. No man is going to walk into my life, take me into his arms, and make me believe I am worthy of his deepest, most truest love with a smoldering look and gentle kiss.
It is a struggle that I must overcome on my own.
And I have taken the first step by admitting that this is something with which I struggle. I've told my therapist it's something on which I want to work. I want to love myself. I don't want to lie in bed every night wondering if the other side of my bed will always be empty. I want to truly believe, in the depths of my heart, that there is man out there someone who will love me the way I deserve to be loved and who will be able to give me everything I want and need in a relationship.
So, I will keep you all updated on my progress. My first task, according to my therapist, is to make a list of the qualities I need/want in a lifetime partner. And here we go:
1. I need his capacity to love me to be equal to my capacity to love him.
2. I need commitment from the beginning. I don't want him to date other people while he's dating me. I want to be the only girl he's dating.
3. I need to be able to trust him. I don't ever want to be tempted to check his cell phone.
4. I need open, honest communication.
5. I need to have fun with him. Things should never feel boring or stale, and if they start to feel that way, we should be able to find a way to fix them.
6. I need stability and consistency. I need him to call when he says he'll call. I need him to do the things he says he'll do. I need him to be a constant so he can be in opposition to my dramatic personality.
7. I need him to support me in the things I'm passionate about.
8. I need him to bring positive energy into my life.
9. I need him to be strong for me. I'm always the one being strong for other people, and I need someone to be my strength when my own fails.
10. I need him to let me love him as much as I want to.
11. I need affection.
12. I need him to work as hard at making me happy as I do at making him happy.
13. I need him to fit into my world.
14. I want him to be masculine but not overly macho.
15. I want him to like spending time with my family.
16. I want him to be romantic and capable of swooning me no matter how many years we've been together.
17. I want him to want to be involved as much as possible in our hypothetical children's lives.
18. I want him to be passionate.
19. I want him to want to stay in Indiana because I don't want to move too far away from my family.
20. I want his family to like me and welcome me into their family with open arms.
21. I want us to see the world in the same way.
22. I want him to enjoy talking to me for hours.
23. I want him to be able to fix and build things.
24. I want him to let me occasionally be a part of things he enjoys that I may have never tried or may not really like that much.
25. I want to never be afraid for us to try new things with each other.
So, there you go. I'll probably add more, but that's it for now!
Peace, Love, and Open Hearts
I always have been.
It's both a blessing and a curse.
It's great that I can come up with these beautiful, big ideas about which few others would dare to dream. I think it's awesome that I have goals like making the world a better place and changing someone's life, and that I feel perfectly capable of achieving them. Most the time, I think that I'm very lucky to be a romantic who hasn't lost her hope, one who still believes in fairy tale loves, happily ever afters, soul mates, and the undeniable power of love to overcome any and all other forces.
Being a dreamer, though, also has its downside, especially in relationships: disappointment and a willingness to compromise your standards in pursuit of your lofty ideals of romance and love. I also have a tendency to settle for something less than I deserve while convincing myself it's perfect. As long as he says he loves me, I tell myself it doesn't matter if he's not everything I want and need. As a matter of fact, I have always shied away from specifically defining the things I need and want in a relationship because if I write it down, if I admit that there are things I need and want, then how can I go on pretending someone is perfect for me? I guess subconsciously I've always had this mentality that I would take what I could get as long as the guy wasn't creepy or blatantly abusive. In a way, I suppose I just assumed that no one would ever live up to my standards fully anyway, so why did it matter?
Slowly but surely, though, I'm beginning to see the light and understand the truth.
How can I expect a really incredible guy to love me and want to be with me if I don't believe I am worth this guy's love? If I don't think that I owe it to myself to be with someone who can give me the things I need and want, how can I even pretend that I am going to find a meaningful, fulfilling relationship that will make me entirely happy?
I recognize those things and know the answers to those questions, and yet there's still this fear in me that no one will ever be able to love me that deeply. People try to boost my self-image in this area all the time, telling me that there's someone out there who will love me, and that I'm an incredible person who deserves, "so much better." I know, though, that no matter what other people tell me, my acceptance of the fact that I'm truly deserving of an incredible love has to come from within me. No self-help book is going to change my life by telling me I'm beautiful over and over. No stranger on a bus is going to monologue to me and change my opinion of my self-worth. No man is going to walk into my life, take me into his arms, and make me believe I am worthy of his deepest, most truest love with a smoldering look and gentle kiss.
It is a struggle that I must overcome on my own.
And I have taken the first step by admitting that this is something with which I struggle. I've told my therapist it's something on which I want to work. I want to love myself. I don't want to lie in bed every night wondering if the other side of my bed will always be empty. I want to truly believe, in the depths of my heart, that there is man out there someone who will love me the way I deserve to be loved and who will be able to give me everything I want and need in a relationship.
So, I will keep you all updated on my progress. My first task, according to my therapist, is to make a list of the qualities I need/want in a lifetime partner. And here we go:
1. I need his capacity to love me to be equal to my capacity to love him.
2. I need commitment from the beginning. I don't want him to date other people while he's dating me. I want to be the only girl he's dating.
3. I need to be able to trust him. I don't ever want to be tempted to check his cell phone.
4. I need open, honest communication.
5. I need to have fun with him. Things should never feel boring or stale, and if they start to feel that way, we should be able to find a way to fix them.
6. I need stability and consistency. I need him to call when he says he'll call. I need him to do the things he says he'll do. I need him to be a constant so he can be in opposition to my dramatic personality.
7. I need him to support me in the things I'm passionate about.
8. I need him to bring positive energy into my life.
9. I need him to be strong for me. I'm always the one being strong for other people, and I need someone to be my strength when my own fails.
10. I need him to let me love him as much as I want to.
11. I need affection.
12. I need him to work as hard at making me happy as I do at making him happy.
13. I need him to fit into my world.
14. I want him to be masculine but not overly macho.
15. I want him to like spending time with my family.
16. I want him to be romantic and capable of swooning me no matter how many years we've been together.
17. I want him to want to be involved as much as possible in our hypothetical children's lives.
18. I want him to be passionate.
19. I want him to want to stay in Indiana because I don't want to move too far away from my family.
20. I want his family to like me and welcome me into their family with open arms.
21. I want us to see the world in the same way.
22. I want him to enjoy talking to me for hours.
23. I want him to be able to fix and build things.
24. I want him to let me occasionally be a part of things he enjoys that I may have never tried or may not really like that much.
25. I want to never be afraid for us to try new things with each other.
So, there you go. I'll probably add more, but that's it for now!
Peace, Love, and Open Hearts
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