Right, so, I'm sort of just... chilling at the moment. So, I thought, why not post a blog?! I really should do it more often anyway.
Hmm... what's new in my life? I guess a big thing that's new is that I'm trying to get help. Some of you may be wondering with what I need help. Others of you probably know exactly what it is, and you are, hopefully, very proud of me; I'm very proud of me. Let me elaborate.
I always knew I was a bit crazy. No, really, I was. There are times in my life that I look back on and wonder who that person was because it certainly wasn't me. I've always considered myself a compassionate, smart, driven person. So, when I look back on times where I was absolutely horrible to people or blew off school or gave up trying, I have to wonder what happened. Now, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I struggle with anxiety and depression. The depression I've acknowledged in the past, but that's what it was to me, something in the past. I thought I had fought it off, won the battle, but now I'm learning that it's not a battle you just win. Depression, when you really truly have it, is something you have to fight every single day of your life. Some days, you overcome it, and other days you end up skipping all your classes and laying in your dorm room watching an all day marathon of SVU.
This isn't an... easy thing to deal with, by any means. A lot of figuring out how to deal with it is trial and error. They have to try you on a bunch of medications until they find the one that works best for you. Then, you have to figure out when the best time of day is for you to take that medicine. Also, you have to go to therapy and try talking about things, figure out the things you really need to work on and talk about. That's my goal for the summer, though: to get better.
I guess the next question is what prompted this change? For years and years I have denied that I had a problem, not wanting to get help, not wanting to be put on drugs that I thought would change who I am or how deeply I feel things. The people I can thank for this hold a special place in my heart, and they are the members of Equipo Dos, my Aesthetics II group. The morning I finally admitted I needed help was the Monday before our final project was due, and I text messaged Catherine... to ask her for help. I had finally gotten to the point where things had become so bad that I was truly going to let a whole group of really awesome people down if I didn't admit I couldn't deal with my own problems. I was at rock bottom, at a breaking point, and I had two choices: I could give up and retreat until everything just went away on its own like it had before, or I could take responsibility and admit that I couldn't do this on my own anymore.
If Catherine and Senior hadn't shown up at my dorm room that morning after I reached out to them for help, I don't know where I would be, but probably not getting help, and probably wondering if I would even be able to make it through three more years of school. I would probably not be still planning my semester abroad, either.
Sometimes, I wonder if the people in my life know the true extent of the impact they've made on me. Make that goal #2 for the summer: To let people know how much they mean to me.
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