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Stories

There has been a story inside of me for a very long time just waiting to be told. All semester in playwriting, I have struggled to find a story that is worth telling, all the time avoiding my own stories like the plague. Maybe because I didn't think my stories were worth telling, or maybe it was because I didn't want to face the emotions of writing about my past.

I don't talk about my dad very much; it's something I've conditioned myself not to mention because people never know how to respond when they find out he died. I never talk about what it felt like to lose him or how it's affected me to grow up without him. I don't tell people that unlike other little girls who dream about their wedding day, I cried when I thought of mine because my dad wouldn't be there. Very few people know that I can still remember the dream I had the night he died, and even fewer people know that there's a dream about him that has been reoccurring randomly for the last 15 years of my life. I just... don't talk about him. It was all so long ago, and now I really don't remember many things about him. The only reason I can still remember his voice is because of the home movies we have that he is always talking on.

I never got to go to father-daughter dances with my dad. Someone else always had to take me, and there was always someone else to do that, which I guess makes me a lot luckier than some other girls. My daddy wasn't there to help me move into my dorm room or into this house. I could always find help, but I will never forget the way it felt that first semester to see all the other people's dads there to help them. But I never mention the way those things make me feel because it doesn't matter. Nothing can bring my dad back, and all talking about him does is make people sad, including myself.

But, I think the time has come to tell a piece of my story instead of trying to keep telling someone else's. I think I have to stop running away from this voice inside of me telling me that I know what real pain feels like and that I should write about it. I think, it's time to be honest in my writing...

Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 7, 2011 at 3:29 PM

    Amazing as usual! I will be there to walk you down the aisle and Dad will be right there beside us.

    ReplyDelete

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