Unwritten

Let's be honest, I suck at it. I really do. I don't mean like in a relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean actual dating, where you just hang out and there's some sort of physical relationship involved, but pretty much there's no spoken commitment to each other. I seriously just can't do it. I meet a guy, and I like him, and I immediately want the emotional commitment: talking a lot, spending time together, him being there for me when I need him or am having a bad day. I try so freaking hard to not be that way and give him space and not come to him whenever I am upset or lonely, but for some reason I just keep messing things up. Guys see me like that, and they automatically think that I am going to be a super needy, clingy girlfriend who wants to know everything they're doing all the time, and that's not me. As soon as I am in a relationship, it's like I'm a different person. I'm so much more fun and laid back. So, why can't I be that way ...

I am fairly certain that anyone who has even taken a peak at my blog could tell you that I believe that we shouldn't judge other people based on their love. As long as it isn't harming anyone, we shouldn't place any parameters on what is and isn't love because, let's face it, this world could use a whole lot more love. So why, then, am I so quick to judge my own love? I try to tell myself that this... whatever it is that I am in right now isn't real, that somehow just because I haven't met John face-to-face yet, the feelings can't be true. Who am I to say that when I know, from personal experience, that it is possible to truly love someone you haven't met? I loved Allen for a long time before I met him in person. Granted, it was the kind of love that a depressed 13 year old girl could give, but it WAS love. Why now do I think I have the right to tell my heart that this is or isn't the real thing? Why am I trying to be sensible and rational about ...

I don't know what it's like to remember things the way other people do. Prior to high school, the only things I can vividly remember are the traumatic events I experienced growing up. There are very few other memories there, if I am honest with myself, and I doubt the reality of most of them. My brain has learned to fill in blanks, make up details of half-formed memories, and I generally just take these crafted memories as truth. I know there were so many good things that happened to me in those years, but I cannot honestly recall any of them; not a single cheerleading competition, voice recital, production, birthday party, or vacation is clear. My first kiss is just about the only good memory that I have remained concretely certain of since it happened. Over the years, the traumas have begun to fade as well, taking on the same fuzzy, dreamlike quality as all my other childhood memories so that it feels like the first time in my life I can distinctly recall is about my junior y...

Usually, when I break up with someone, it takes me entire days, perhaps even weeks to regain my composure and feel good again. When Ben and I broke up in July, that didn't happen. I literally cried hysterically for about 10 minutes, and then I told my mom I wanted to go see the new Harry Potter movie, and that was pretty much the end of it. I had to be strong and put on a brave face. I was in the middle of camp, in the middle of directing my show, and I had no time or extra energy to spend on being sad or hurt because he broke up with me. At the time, I thought this was a good thing. I thought that the fact that I didn't entirely fall apart and cease to function in life was a sign that I had overcome this great flaw in my character. I didn't have time to miss him or energy to try and win him back. I just kept moving forward. There was no dwelling on mistakes or wondering what might have been. This, I thought, was good. This was how relationships were supposed to end. It was...