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The World Goes 'Round

Usually, when I break up with someone, it takes me entire days, perhaps even weeks to regain my composure and feel good again. When Ben and I broke up in July, that didn't happen. I literally cried hysterically for about 10 minutes, and then I told my mom I wanted to go see the new Harry Potter movie, and that was pretty much the end of it. I had to be strong and put on a brave face. I was in the middle of camp, in the middle of directing my show, and I had no time or extra energy to spend on being sad or hurt because he broke up with me.

At the time, I thought this was a good thing. I thought that the fact that I didn't entirely fall apart and cease to function in life was a sign that I had overcome this great flaw in my character. I didn't have time to miss him or energy to try and win him back. I just kept moving forward. There was no dwelling on mistakes or wondering what might have been. This, I thought, was good. This was how relationships were supposed to end. It wasn't messy, there was no returning of each other's belongings, it was just... over. My heart never shattered, and I never cried him sobbing, wanting to know why he didn't love me anymore.

And that was all fine and dandy... until two days ago. A guy I had been talking to who I had really started to like and who I thought really liked me said some pretty harsh things to me, and instead of getting stung a little bit, I got hit by a ton of bricks. I was sitting at work trying so hard not to cry, but the tears just kept welling up in my eyes. I felt like a fool, like a crazy person, for ever believing that someone would fall for me that quickly. This, of course, quickly transpired into what if no one would ever make me feel like Ben did? With Ben, I always felt so at peace, so good in the relationship. Being with Ben made me feel like a better person. This, I think, is how good relationships SHOULD make you feel. All day, though, I couldn't stop obsessing over the What Ifs and wondering whether or not Ben had been The One, and I had somehow just messed it up.

Thanks to a lot of love and positive energy that came my way from Facebook friends along with some really good conversations with Ben himself, Steck, and my new friend Bryan, I was feeling much more at peace by the time I went to sleep last night. I looked in the mirror and told myself that I am an awesome person, and that I don't need a guy in my life to make me feel fulfilled. I sat here and read the thank you cards and e-mails from kids and parents thanking me for all that I had done, and knowing how much of a difference I am making in this world was enough for me.

Unless you can touch my heart and inspire me as much as my kids do, I'm sorry boys, but my world is no longer going to stop for you. Prove to me that if I let you in my world, we can make twice the difference, and maybe then I'll stop and let you share my time.

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