Peace.

I don't know what it's like to remember things the way other people do. Prior to high school, the only things I can vividly remember are the traumatic events I experienced growing up. There are very few other memories there, if I am honest with myself, and I doubt the reality of most of them. My brain has learned to fill in blanks, make up details of half-formed memories, and I generally just take these crafted memories as truth. I know there were so many good things that happened to me in those years, but I cannot honestly recall any of them; not a single cheerleading competition, voice recital, production, birthday party, or vacation is clear. My first kiss is just about the only good memory that I have remained concretely certain of since it happened.

Over the years, the traumas have begun to fade as well, taking on the same fuzzy, dreamlike quality as all my other childhood memories so that it feels like the first time in my life I can distinctly recall is about my junior year of high school. In a lot of ways, my lack of detailed memories about growing up makes me really sad, but in some ways, I think it makes me lucky. If I can't remember much of the past, there isn't much there for me to dwell on, to wonder what would happen if this or that had gone differently. Now, just as I did growing up, I live every day feeling like all I can do is just keep moving forward day-by-day.

Sometimes I think that is a part of me that people don't see because I am so focused on schedules and planning things ahead, but I think the reason I always like to plan things in advance is because I have always had this need to look toward the future. When I was a kid, and there were so many really hard things happening in my life, the only thing I could do was focus on some mysterious point in the future when everything would be okay because if I stopped and concentrated on what was happening around me, it felt like all the bad things were going to swallow me whole; I just had to keep moving. So, today, I feel like if I'm not thinking at least a day ahead, the days will pass me by.

Most importantly, though, is that today I don't feel like I am waiting for time to pass so I can get to a better place like I have been for as long as I can remember. After battling my way through all the trauma, heartache, depression, anxiety, illness, injury, and disappointment I faced growing up, I have amazingly, incredibly found a place of peace in my life. I am living in my own apartment with the greatest friend anyone could ask for, and I know she will always be there for me. I am in a department where I feel like I am truly a part of something great every single day; I have worked hard and gained respect and responsibility. My voice matters here. I have a bulletin board in my room filled with thank you cards and encouraging emails from kids and their parents telling me the difference I am making with my shows and my camps. My mom has found a great guy who truly cares about her. I have even found someone, I think, who makes me just feel... good. I am at peace. I am happy here.

For the first time in my entire life, I don't want to be anywhere other than where I am right now.