Well, here it goes, the first post in my new blog. I've had blogs before, when I was younger, but I sort of lost interest. "When I was younger..." that makes me sound old. I'm not old in the least, though sometimes it seems like I am, when I think about how much I have changed and grown up in the past couple years. I don't think anyone saw all the changes coming in me. In a way, I suppose I'm sort of glad that they didn't, many people in my life probably would have tried to stop them. I have spent most of my life feeling very lost. I would be part of a tight circle of friends, and yet always seemed to find myself being the person left out of things. I suppose feeling lost was an understandable feeling, though. My life had turned itself upside down far too many times by the time I graduated high school.
Two years ago, I was a completely different person. I was a "Jesus Freak". All about God all the time, and I was proud of that. To this day, I still believe that being that sort of person is something to be proud of, if you're genuine in your faith and in your righteousness. I, however, was not, nor did I have a strong desire to be so. I could talk the talk, but I couldn't walk the walk. I imagine some of the cleverer people at my church saw through my act, but seeing as how most of the people at my church were simply playing their part in the show that was my church, I doubt most of them saw me for what I was on the inside: a young woman struggling with depression, an undying need to feel love and affection, and the hunger to be someone...anyone.
Now, here I am, completely unsure of what I believe anymore. Well, that's not entirely true, I suppose. I believe love is the strongest, most real and amazing thing in this crazy world. Though I still, to this day, don't think I have experienced real love. I have a knack for attracting guys who need me or who simply need fixing and then conveniently aren't sure of how they feel about me anymore. People say love is complicated, but I think it's very simply. Love is never second-guessing or having an ounce of regret about being with someone; it is being willing to stand up for that person and to fight for them no matter what the situation; it is giving someone your whole entire heart.... your everything.
I leave for school in about a month. I'm excited. And terrified. I've done the whole leaving for college thing once, and it bombed miserably. I only lasted about 4 weeks at school before I came back home to wallow in self-pity over my epic failure and reminisce about the awful situations that happened at school which opened my eyes and sent me running back home. I'm excited because I know that I have found the one thing I want to do with rest of my life. But I'm scared, too, of so many things. Scared I won't be able to handle being away at school, scared I won't make new friends, scared I'll be taken advantage of by some idiot boy who thinks he's a man, scared that I won't be happy there, scared of being alone and of completely starting over.
When I left for college last fall, I still had so much tying me to home, so many people I wasn't ready to let go of yet. Now everyone, it feels, has let go of me except for my best friend Tim who I'm sure will come to school to visit (and/or party with) me. It's terrifying to think that this time I will be leaving for school single, practically friendless, and not knowing my roommate or really anyone else at school either. I mean, there will be plenty of people there I knew in high school, but it's a really huge school, I doubt I will ever see any of them.
It's also going to be exciting, though. I just hope Ball State is the place that I can be astonishing...
Two years ago, I was a completely different person. I was a "Jesus Freak". All about God all the time, and I was proud of that. To this day, I still believe that being that sort of person is something to be proud of, if you're genuine in your faith and in your righteousness. I, however, was not, nor did I have a strong desire to be so. I could talk the talk, but I couldn't walk the walk. I imagine some of the cleverer people at my church saw through my act, but seeing as how most of the people at my church were simply playing their part in the show that was my church, I doubt most of them saw me for what I was on the inside: a young woman struggling with depression, an undying need to feel love and affection, and the hunger to be someone...anyone.
Now, here I am, completely unsure of what I believe anymore. Well, that's not entirely true, I suppose. I believe love is the strongest, most real and amazing thing in this crazy world. Though I still, to this day, don't think I have experienced real love. I have a knack for attracting guys who need me or who simply need fixing and then conveniently aren't sure of how they feel about me anymore. People say love is complicated, but I think it's very simply. Love is never second-guessing or having an ounce of regret about being with someone; it is being willing to stand up for that person and to fight for them no matter what the situation; it is giving someone your whole entire heart.... your everything.
I leave for school in about a month. I'm excited. And terrified. I've done the whole leaving for college thing once, and it bombed miserably. I only lasted about 4 weeks at school before I came back home to wallow in self-pity over my epic failure and reminisce about the awful situations that happened at school which opened my eyes and sent me running back home. I'm excited because I know that I have found the one thing I want to do with rest of my life. But I'm scared, too, of so many things. Scared I won't be able to handle being away at school, scared I won't make new friends, scared I'll be taken advantage of by some idiot boy who thinks he's a man, scared that I won't be happy there, scared of being alone and of completely starting over.
When I left for college last fall, I still had so much tying me to home, so many people I wasn't ready to let go of yet. Now everyone, it feels, has let go of me except for my best friend Tim who I'm sure will come to school to visit (and/or party with) me. It's terrifying to think that this time I will be leaving for school single, practically friendless, and not knowing my roommate or really anyone else at school either. I mean, there will be plenty of people there I knew in high school, but it's a really huge school, I doubt I will ever see any of them.
It's also going to be exciting, though. I just hope Ball State is the place that I can be astonishing...
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