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Loneliness

The past few weeks have been very hard for me. I've felt restless and alone and honestly sort of forgotten. I mean, I guess this is all part of growing up, right? Not being able to spend as much time with friends because they have to work and things like that. Don't get me wrong, I have had an absolutely incredible summer. So many great things have happened, and I've connected and reconnected with a lot of really great people. I have just spent so much time the last few weeks sitting in my room with nothing to do, though, and I have struggled with myself trying to figure out why I feel so unhappy.

At first, I thought it was because I wanted a guy, a relationship, someone to love me and care about me and want to be with me. I think I just blame so much of my insecurity and loneliness on not having a boyfriend, but I'm starting to think that maybe that's not it. I think what I'm lacking is companionship and feeling like I can be completely open with people. I miss those nights with best friends, laying in the dark and talking until the early hours of the morning. I miss having people who can help me think through things and work things out. I miss feeling like there are people who lie in bed and wonder the same things I do and search for the same answers I want. Here, right now, I just feel like I have to keep everything bottled up inside of me. I feel trapped. I feel like I'm hiding so many things I want to say.

But I don't think it's all other people, though. I think a lot of it is me. Here, my past follows me and hides around every corner. The Tara I used to be is here, and I'm so afraid that she's going to jump out when I'm least expecting it, so I just keep such a tight hold on everything.

I know it seems sometimes like going back to school is just running away from all the problems of home, but all I want is to be with people who understand, who need the same things I do, who also know that there are no right answers but that shouldn't keep you from continuing to search for the best one.

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