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A Love/Hate Relationship

I love having you in my life. You don't sugar coat everything or boost my self-esteem every time I text you at night out of loneliness. I love that we have so much in common and that when we start talking, it seems like the topics are endless. I love that I can associate you with a dream come true and that you are just as excited to keep living that dream as I am. I love that my past isn't a shadow lurking behind us. I love the way you look at me with those blue eyes when you're being playful and the way you are perfectly content to just chill with me. I love that I'm not afraid to let my intelligence show when I'm around you. I love that you make me laugh and every time I get a text from you, I can't help but smile. I love that I never have to doubt that you'll come through for me. I love that I trust you. I love knowing that you'll be there for me when I need you most. I love how strong you are. I love that my family and friends like you and that you fit perfectly in my world. I love the way my comforter always smells like you after you've left. I love that you are so confident and stable. I love that you seem to just... understand me.

But I hate that when we're laying here watching movies, all I want to do is cuddle up close to you and run my fingers through your hair, but I know I can't. I hate that when I'm standing close to you and looking into your eyes, my heart beats so hard, and I just stand there waiting and waiting for you to lean in and kiss me, but I know you won't. I hate that I dream about you. I hate that I dress in the outfits that I feel most attractive in when I'm going to see you because I want to change your mind, but I know I shouldn't have to wait for you to. I hate that you aren't attracted to me and that you don't have thoughts like these that ache in your chest every night until you just get so tired of grasping at thin air that you finally fall asleep. I hate that I'm so terrified of talking about my feelings in front of you because I feel like that would be a sign of weakness and because I don't want to push you away. I hate that you go so far beyond being perfect for me and yet I am so imperfect for you.

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