Unwritten

Sometimes, I feel like life is moving so fast that I just need it to stop for a second so I can catch my breath and reflect on everything that has happened and put it into a new perspective. This, I think, is why people meditate and pray. In those quiet moments, it's like everything is standing still, and you can clear your mind and free your soul. I so wish that I had the discipline to sit in stillness long enough to feel that sort of spiritual and mental release. So, maybe blogging and journaling are like meditation for me. When I take my thoughts and feelings and write them down, everything starts to make more sense in my head, and generally after I have finished an entry, I feel much calmer about life. That's why I am writing now. I am writing to find clarity. It just started storming outside. Literally, the first sound of thunder came directly as I began to write this blog. Thanks, nature, for ambient noise to set the mood. Obstacles are a part of life. They cause conflict...

This past week has been an emotional roller coaster. One minute I am happy, and the next minute I feel like my heart is breaking. I have struggled, cried, had an anxiety attack, and yesterday I was very close to giving up on Ben and I. That voice in my head just kept telling me to run away, that it wasn't worth all of this. Then, though, there was this other voice in my heart telling me to stay because that is what true love is, being there for each other when things aren't easy and just getting through those hard times the best that you can together. Ben and I talked almost all night, and it took hours of crying and pouring my heart out to figure out what it was that I really needed from him right now. Finally, though, we got there. He's not doing any better than he was yesterday, and yet today I woke up with a renewed sense of hope and patience. I have let go of my obsession with trying to fix him because I finally realized that I have to stop being afraid of him being li...

It's 6:38 in the morning. It's 6:38 in the morning, and I am wide awake. Do you know how many people are awake on Facebook at 6:38 in the morning on a Saturday? Three. One of them lives in a different country. Why am I awake? I have absolutely no idea. Last night, I was really tired, didn't feel well, and had a headache. Usually, that means a person sleeps pretty well, right? Not last night, apparently. I tossed and turned and woke up and fell back asleep and kept going back and forth between hot and cold. I don't really know what's wrong. Anxiety, maybe. Maybe I am worried that he won't follow through on his promise like every other guy I have ever been with. Maybe because that voice inside of my head is trying to tell me that I shouldn't have asked him to make this choice, but I know that I had to do it. As scary and painful as it was to give him an ultimatum, I know I had to do it for both of our sakes. Last night, I left his house smiling, though. I was ...

There are a lot of things in life that we take for granted. There are two things that I feel I take for granted most often, though: my own strength and the generosity of others. Part One: The Strength to Stay Ben has been going through a really, REALLY tough time lately. It's hard for me to see him just sitting on the couch day after day, knowing how unhappy he is, understanding that war and terror that is happening inside of him all the time. Some days, I have to leave his house crying because I can't be strong that day. I apologize profusely for those days, but he is never upset with me. He always says he understands. Sometimes, I have doubts about us. I wonder if this is all too much for me, if I should walk away, if I'm going to go through all of this just to be crushed because I have this tendency to be with guys who need me and then once they don't need me they're done. Then I think about what things were like with Ben before the last couple months. I remember...

Being in college is a very unique experience. At no other point in your life will it be acceptable for you to be throwing murder mystery parties one night, studying the entire next day, and then two weeks later spend days at a time doing absolutely nothing productive. At no other point in your life can you truly redefine the person you are; from this point forward who you are will constantly follow you. At no other point is it considered practically a right of passage to spend weeks or months galavanting across this country or other countries for no other reason except to experience life. This is the time to live as much life, check off as many of those bucket list things as you possibly can. And yet, college is also one of the most difficult experiences to go through. Half the world sees you as an adult and the other half still sees you as a kid. You yearn for independence, but you spend nights sobbing into a pillow, your heart full of homesickness. Suddenly, it is difficult to love b...