Skip to main content

Waiting for Ennui

Sometimes, I feel like life is moving so fast that I just need it to stop for a second so I can catch my breath and reflect on everything that has happened and put it into a new perspective. This, I think, is why people meditate and pray. In those quiet moments, it's like everything is standing still, and you can clear your mind and free your soul. I so wish that I had the discipline to sit in stillness long enough to feel that sort of spiritual and mental release. So, maybe blogging and journaling are like meditation for me. When I take my thoughts and feelings and write them down, everything starts to make more sense in my head, and generally after I have finished an entry, I feel much calmer about life. That's why I am writing now. I am writing to find clarity.

It just started storming outside. Literally, the first sound of thunder came directly as I began to write this blog. Thanks, nature, for ambient noise to set the mood.

Obstacles are a part of life. They cause conflict, and without conflict life, like theatre, wouldn't be interesting. So, I know that if there aren't ever any obstacles or conflicts in my life, then I am not really living, but a lot of the time I find myself wishing life would give me a bit more distance to recover my speed between each hurdle. Lately, it has felt like life has just been one ordeal after another, and some of them end well, and some of them don't. At least they aren't all ending badly, I suppose!

I feel so introverted lately, but not like a bad introverted like I was before, but when I am done with classes for the day, I just feel this inexplicable need to just be by myself and process everything that has happened. One of my favorite professors told us that people are like emotional sponges, and we can only soak up so much before we have to sit and wait for someone to come along and wring us out. We also talked about this in my EDMUL class, this idea that sometimes we leave ourselves very open to influences and inspiration from the outside world, but after awhile we have to close down the borders so that we can have time to make sense of everything we've taken in.

I guess maybe that's where I'm at now, and usually that is a very quick process for me, but right now it seems like day after day I'm just waiting for that sense of ennui, for that moment when everything falls into place, and I get this new perspective on life. Right now, I feel so desperate for that feeling of satisfaction, that I practically find myself search for the new perspective, trying to find something that is going to make all of the stress seem less stressful. I haven't found that trigger yet, but hopefully it will come soon.

For now, I am going to take a nap to the sounds of the rain and the thunder and the nearby trains.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Love Monologue from the movie Stardust

Yvaine: You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it; I've seen centuries and centuries of it. It's the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All the wars, pain, lies, and hate, made me want to turn away and never look down again. But to see the way that mankind loves! I mean you could search the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So, yes I know that love is unconditional, but I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable, and strangely easy to mistake for loathing. And, well, what I'm trying to say, Tristan, is.. I think I love you. My heart it feels like my chest can barely contain it, like it doesn't belong to me anymore; it belongs to you, and if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange: no gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion, nothing, but knowing you love me, too. Just your heart in exchange for min...
7 comments
Read more

Why Lent?

Earlier today, I tweeted something about Lent, and then I decided that my impression of this tradition is far too complicated to confine to tweets. Essentially, I do not understand the point of Lent the way that most people choose to celebrate it. I get the basics of it, you give up something for 40 days because Jesus wandered the desert for 40 days while fasting, and you want to show Him your love and devotion by giving up something of yours for Him. Here's the thing, though, after those 40 days, Jesus went out and began His ministry. His 40 days of fasting were in preparation for Him to give His life to the salvation of the world. The idea behind Lent is that if you give up these things that we don't realize we spend so much time doing, you can then devote that time and energy to God through service, prayer, devotional time, etc. Lent is supposed to be a time where you not just make a sacrifice of something you like but where you spend time reestablishing your connection with...
2 comments
Read more

Monologue: Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, I was the happiest I would ever be, though at the time I didn’t know it. I had three of the best friends in the world: Alex, Lauren, and Kristin. I also had the best boyfriend I could have hoped for. His name was Kevin. Life was pretty magical that last year of high school. I had friends I wanted to be friends with for the rest of my life, I had a boyfriend girls would have given anything for, and it seemed almost certain that life would continue to be incredible for years to come. Life had other plans though, and it changed abruptly when I started college. I broke up with Kevin in a daze of insanity when I first got to college. To this day, I couldn’t tell you exactly why. All I remember is feeling lost and alone, and there was this boy there at school who seemed like he really wanted to be with me. Turned out he didn’t, and Kevin ended up moving on, and I ended up throwing away something wonderful. Kristin… has changed in these first couple of years I’ve bee...
Post a Comment
Read more