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Waiting for Ennui

Sometimes, I feel like life is moving so fast that I just need it to stop for a second so I can catch my breath and reflect on everything that has happened and put it into a new perspective. This, I think, is why people meditate and pray. In those quiet moments, it's like everything is standing still, and you can clear your mind and free your soul. I so wish that I had the discipline to sit in stillness long enough to feel that sort of spiritual and mental release. So, maybe blogging and journaling are like meditation for me. When I take my thoughts and feelings and write them down, everything starts to make more sense in my head, and generally after I have finished an entry, I feel much calmer about life. That's why I am writing now. I am writing to find clarity.

It just started storming outside. Literally, the first sound of thunder came directly as I began to write this blog. Thanks, nature, for ambient noise to set the mood.

Obstacles are a part of life. They cause conflict, and without conflict life, like theatre, wouldn't be interesting. So, I know that if there aren't ever any obstacles or conflicts in my life, then I am not really living, but a lot of the time I find myself wishing life would give me a bit more distance to recover my speed between each hurdle. Lately, it has felt like life has just been one ordeal after another, and some of them end well, and some of them don't. At least they aren't all ending badly, I suppose!

I feel so introverted lately, but not like a bad introverted like I was before, but when I am done with classes for the day, I just feel this inexplicable need to just be by myself and process everything that has happened. One of my favorite professors told us that people are like emotional sponges, and we can only soak up so much before we have to sit and wait for someone to come along and wring us out. We also talked about this in my EDMUL class, this idea that sometimes we leave ourselves very open to influences and inspiration from the outside world, but after awhile we have to close down the borders so that we can have time to make sense of everything we've taken in.

I guess maybe that's where I'm at now, and usually that is a very quick process for me, but right now it seems like day after day I'm just waiting for that sense of ennui, for that moment when everything falls into place, and I get this new perspective on life. Right now, I feel so desperate for that feeling of satisfaction, that I practically find myself search for the new perspective, trying to find something that is going to make all of the stress seem less stressful. I haven't found that trigger yet, but hopefully it will come soon.

For now, I am going to take a nap to the sounds of the rain and the thunder and the nearby trains.

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