Things I Take for Granted

There are a lot of things in life that we take for granted. There are two things that I feel I take for granted most often, though: my own strength and the generosity of others.

Part One: The Strength to Stay

Ben has been going through a really, REALLY tough time lately. It's hard for me to see him just sitting on the couch day after day, knowing how unhappy he is, understanding that war and terror that is happening inside of him all the time. Some days, I have to leave his house crying because I can't be strong that day. I apologize profusely for those days, but he is never upset with me. He always says he understands. Sometimes, I have doubts about us. I wonder if this is all too much for me, if I should walk away, if I'm going to go through all of this just to be crushed because I have this tendency to be with guys who need me and then once they don't need me they're done.

Then I think about what things were like with Ben before the last couple months. I remember all those times he just laid in bed with me because I was sick or my back was hurt. I remember that he drove all the way up to Ball State multiple times just so he could take me home because I wanted to go home. I remember that he took me out on real dates. I remember the way he looked at me the day we went to Build-A-Bear, and he told the lady working there that Benji was a really special present. Once I think about all that he has done for me, I know that this is different, that he is different, and that I am not just saying that so I don't have to be alone. Because, ya know what, I could be fine without him. My life would go on, and I would be happy. My identity does not revolve around him. I know all of that and yet for the first time in my life I am choosing to stay by his side, not out of desperation or fear, but truly out of love.

It's not easy. Every time I go see him, I struggle to find a new way to tell him what he needs to hear, to make him understand that these fears he's holding onto need to be let go of. I suggest over and over ideas for him to actively do something, and you know what? Every single time so far, I've been shot down. Yeah, I've been disappointed and hurt, but I know it's nothing compared to how it makes him feel to know that he's disappointing me. It seems that every day I see him, he gets closer and closer to what he knows he needs to do to get better, and so even though I know it would be easier to stay away and comfort him from a distance, I won't do that. Today his sister came over while I was there, and when she saw me, her face just lit up, and she said, "Tara, I am so glad to see you here! You just bring so much joy and light into Ben's life! Mom says he only ever smiles when you're here! He needs that!" Little does she know how much joy and light Ben has brought into my life.

Part Two: To Give but Not Receive

I am terrible at letting other people do things for me. I don't know why, and I don't know when it started. I love to have people over to our house and cook and play games and hang out, and I never really ask anyone to help me. I will pay for everything, clean, do the work, cook. I just want everyone to have a good time because seeing my friends happy makes me happy. Yet when I go to someone else's house, I always offer to bring something or help set up or tear down, and if I don't contribute in some way, I feel like a terrible guest. I don't ever think my guests are bad if they don't help out, so why do I hold myself to such higher standards? As long as I have the money, I will never mind paying for a friend's meal or ticket, and I will almost always give people a ride even when it's out of my way. Very rarely, though, do I let other people pay for me, and needing to ask other people for a ride makes me feel overly dependent. I love buying gifts for people, even if it's just little random things that I know will make them happy, but if someone does something like that for me, I feel embarrassed by it. I mean, I pretty much have to be starving to even accept dinner when I'm at Ben's house! 99% of the time, I just say I'm fine.

Why do I do that?

Money is important to me but only because I like to spend it: on others, on myself, on books for camp, whatever. I hate for people to spend money on me, though. Even at Christmas or for my birthday, I would rather my friends just get together and have a good time than buy me presents. I would rather spend my own money to throw myself a birthday party for my friends to come to than have them give me gifts.

Recently, I have come to the conclusion that I am an independent person who wants people she can depend on. I can't even tell you how many times Cat has walked in on me lifting something or moving something only for her to ask me what in the world I was doing because we both know I am not supposed to be doing that with my back. I know that Cat would have helped me if I had asked, but I HATE being dependent on other people. Or like with camp, I know Vanessa or my mom would do whatever I ask them to do to help me out, but I never ask them to help me with anything because I know they're busy with their own stuff already. I never want to be a burden on people. Maybe this feeling stems from how I acted in high school, how I was such a drama queen and so needy and I was always pulling other people into my downward spiral.

In church once, they said that it was pride that kept us from accepting the generosity of others. I don't think that's true in my case. I am a confident person, but I'm also humble, and I will never, ever ignore the fact that it was other people who brought me to where I am today. Truly, the reason I am so terrible about receiving the kindnesses other people show me because I'd rather them, I don't know, give that energy to themselves or to someone who needs that food or money or present a lot more than I do.

Truthfully, I should let people take care of me when they want to, though. Everyone needs to be taken care of once in awhile, especially people who spend so much of their life taking care of others.