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Morning

It's 6:38 in the morning.

It's 6:38 in the morning, and I am wide awake.

Do you know how many people are awake on Facebook at 6:38 in the morning on a Saturday? Three. One of them lives in a different country.

Why am I awake? I have absolutely no idea. Last night, I was really tired, didn't feel well, and had a headache. Usually, that means a person sleeps pretty well, right? Not last night, apparently. I tossed and turned and woke up and fell back asleep and kept going back and forth between hot and cold. I don't really know what's wrong. Anxiety, maybe. Maybe I am worried that he won't follow through on his promise like every other guy I have ever been with. Maybe because that voice inside of my head is trying to tell me that I shouldn't have asked him to make this choice, but I know that I had to do it. As scary and painful as it was to give him an ultimatum, I know I had to do it for both of our sakes. Last night, I left his house smiling, though. I was happy because he chose me, he decided that I was worth doing something that is really scary for him. I have said for a very long time that I believe love is the most powerful thing in the world, but yesterday I was terrified that his love for me wouldn't be strong enough to overcome this.

I think I was wrong.

I am still not used to having a guy really love me. I'm not used to not having to expect disappointment or wait around for the heart break when things are bad. Until now, I don't think I had ever realized how much all the pain I have gone through in the past really affected me. A lot of people build up walls the more they're hurt by past relationships, and I never did that. I was always willing to let guys walk right in, and I would open my heart to them without hesitation. It is just who I am. I never realized, though, that all of the pain hadn't built up walls but it had torn them down. I now expect to be disappointed and hurt. I never believe that Ben can love me with the same sort of self-sacrificing love that I have always shown people. I also find it very difficult to let anyone but my mom take care of me, and even when Ben takes care of me, there's this part of me that feels bad about it, that's scared that he doesn't want to take care of me, that I'm too high maintenance, that he's bored or overwhelmed or just not into it.

Time after time, though, he proves that he isn't like the others. Even if Ben isn't my forever, I will always be glad to be have been with him because he has shown me that I deserve to receive the same kind of love I give. I will never let myself settle for anyone who can't give that to me ever again.

It's now 6:57 AM.

I have to wake up in two hours to finish packing before I go pick up Cat from the airport. Maybe I will be able to go back to sleep now.

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