Skip to main content

Dating

Let's be honest, I suck at it. I really do. I don't mean like in a relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean actual dating, where you just hang out and there's some sort of physical relationship involved, but pretty much there's no spoken commitment to each other. I seriously just can't do it. I meet a guy, and I like him, and I immediately want the emotional commitment: talking a lot, spending time together, him being there for me when I need him or am having a bad day. I try so freaking hard to not be that way and give him space and not come to him whenever I am upset or lonely, but for some reason I just keep messing things up. Guys see me like that, and they automatically think that I am going to be a super needy, clingy girlfriend who wants to know everything they're doing all the time, and that's not me. As soon as I am in a relationship, it's like I'm a different person. I'm so much more fun and laid back. So, why can't I be that way before I am in a relationship with someone? I have no idea why, but it is starting to frustrate the hell out of me!

Am I seriously still so emotionally unstable that I can't handle it? And why can I be the most confident person in the world with everything except dating? Everyone always says that you should just be yourself, that someone will come along and love you for who you are, but I don't think that's true. You want to know why? Because I HATE that part of myself, and no one is going to love a part of me that I loathe with my entire being. I have tried everything that everyone has ever suggested to me to try and not be that way, but nothing has worked. I just keep hoping that someone will come along who will take a chance on me, who will see that there is something inside of me that is worth it if they will just be patient through the first part of getting to know me.

The worst part is that I know I'm doing it. I know when I am being too sensitive or too emotional or too clingy or too needy, and I try to stop, and I will say I am sorry for being that way, and then they say it's okay, and I just go right back to acting like an idiot.

Maybe I need to go back to therapy...

Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 23, 2011 at 4:31 PM

    I think you are a normal girl who has a deeper range of emotions and feeling and you will be fine. Most people who want more loving deeper relationship act just like you. Some people arent dating types. Some arent relationship types. Some people cant commit even with a gun to their head. Its just how you are. and you have to see flaws in yourself or you will never try to better yourself or relationships. By the way, its Kris :)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Love Monologue from the movie Stardust

Yvaine: You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it; I've seen centuries and centuries of it. It's the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All the wars, pain, lies, and hate, made me want to turn away and never look down again. But to see the way that mankind loves! I mean you could search the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So, yes I know that love is unconditional, but I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable, and strangely easy to mistake for loathing. And, well, what I'm trying to say, Tristan, is.. I think I love you. My heart it feels like my chest can barely contain it, like it doesn't belong to me anymore; it belongs to you, and if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange: no gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion, nothing, but knowing you love me, too. Just your heart in exchange for min...
7 comments
Read more

Why Lent?

Earlier today, I tweeted something about Lent, and then I decided that my impression of this tradition is far too complicated to confine to tweets. Essentially, I do not understand the point of Lent the way that most people choose to celebrate it. I get the basics of it, you give up something for 40 days because Jesus wandered the desert for 40 days while fasting, and you want to show Him your love and devotion by giving up something of yours for Him. Here's the thing, though, after those 40 days, Jesus went out and began His ministry. His 40 days of fasting were in preparation for Him to give His life to the salvation of the world. The idea behind Lent is that if you give up these things that we don't realize we spend so much time doing, you can then devote that time and energy to God through service, prayer, devotional time, etc. Lent is supposed to be a time where you not just make a sacrifice of something you like but where you spend time reestablishing your connection with...
2 comments
Read more

I am not okay...

For weeks now, I have been in a downward spiral. I don't know when it started or why, but I have reached the point where I no longer feel in control, a point that I have been terrified of since I first sought help a year and a half ago. I feel constantly lonely, searching for companionship in the worlds of fantasy TV shows and books, just like I did with Harry Potter when I was growing up. I can't sleep at night. I fear the loneliness, so I keep reading or watching TV because I know as soon as I stop I will feel the weight of my world pinning me to my bed with no where else to go, no one to lay next to me and hold me and bear part of the weight with me. My ability to be rational or reasonable, all of my strength and confidence, they've disappeared. Instead, I go day-to-day mostly just existing until the night hits, and then I just feel pain. I can't remember the last night I didn't lay in my bed and cry. I have shut down, and the only reaction I have to anything is...
2 comments
Read more