Unwritten

For a long time, I have always wondered how people get put on government assistance programs and then just... stay there without trying to get a job, but I think I am beginning to understand. After months of trying and having no luck finding a job, the idea of giving up is pretty much always at the forefront of my mind. I've come to realize it doesn't have anything to do with laziness or bad life decisions... it has to do with self-esteem. After being rejected by company after company, after applying for jobs that you're overqualified for, perfectly qualified for, and maybe a little underqualified for and not getting anything, it really begins to become a struggle to even put in an application. You just look at the screen and think, "They're not going to hire me either," and you close out of it. And why shouldn't I feel that way? In a world where applying for jobs has become completely impersonal, where your application is filtered through a computer pro...

Guys/boys/men of the small part of the world this post will reach: I have said it before, but I am going to say it again: contrary to what our society has pushed as a truth about the female gender, we DO NOT want to be lied to. I am not sure where the whole, "Honey, does this dress make me look fat," scenario started, but I want to assure you that the correct answer is your honest opinion. If a woman asks such a question, it is because they look in the mirror and feel that that particular article of clothing draws unwanted attention to a particular part of their body about which they are insecure. Now, if you agree with her about that, you should tell her. Not that she looks fat because most men, I have learned, do not generally think of the woman they love as fat, but tell her the truth: that it fits her weird, that you like it when she wears things that accentuate XYZ instead of ABC, etc. Or if you don't have an opinion, honestly tell her that you just don't know ...

So, for the last several months, I have been searching for a job. My standards really aren't that high... I just want a job where I make at least $8.00 an hour (before taxes, of course), can sit down for at least some of the time, and that doesn't involve me calling people to sell them things. As of yet, I haven't determined whether I am overqualified or underqualified for jobs such as an office assistant, customer service call center representative, or data entry clerk, but either way, I've had no success yet. However, I have to admit that I am learning a lot by being unemployed. For example, I have found a lot of humility and a true sense of how thankful I should be. I'm realizing now that for most of my life, things have come easily for me. I did well in school without really having to put in much work, I pretty much learn anything I'm taught the first time it is taught to me, if I needed or wanted a job, there was always someone who had one to hand me or a...

From the first day that we met Our connection has been strong Two broken hearts needing mended, Two people searching for a new bond. In the darkness of the night, Whispered confessions left our lips Of the pain we felt, of the pain we caused, Of the secrets we kept in our hearts’ deepest crypts. From understanding grew affection. It was simple, easy, and true. When I reached out to hold your hand, You reached out to hold mine, too. But life had other plans, And we were hurled our separate ways To face injustice and remorse And the pain to just keep living every day. I thought of you so often, And the what ifs always found their way in As I sat by and watched you build A new life in which I could no longer live. All I had wanted was to save you, To be the one to make you smile, But instead I made everything worse And pushed you away across the many miles. But now, here you are. We’ve found each other again At a time in life when we’ve both lost our way A...

Tonight, I decided that being a young adult is like being stuck on a road in the middle of nowhere with a flat tire. Some of us have the spare tire, the end result, but no tools to change it. Others have the spare tire and the tools but never had anyone to teach them how to change it, so now they have to figure it out on their own. Some might not have the spare or the tools and their only hope of moving forward is to start the slow and steady journey on foot. Others have a cell phone that actually gets service in the middle of no where to call someone for help. I have realized that I am truly blessed because I have both the spare tire and a phone that gets reception that I can use to call my family or close friends to find someone who can bring me the tools I need. And usually they end up changing the tire for me, too, just because they know I've had a rough road lately.

As I sit here this morning, wondering how I could have possibly slept last night, watching my dog take in the world outside of my apartment, there is a lot on my mind. The last few days have been full of events that should majorly upset me and stress me out, and yet yesterday when I found myself crying into my pillow, none of those things seemed to be the reason my heart felt so heavy. "But I just can’t ignore my pathetic other side -- it’s so whiny and needy inside of me. I yearn for... human touch, God, it’s embarrassing, sometimes all I want is to be looked at, admired, soothed and caressed. I still want the power, I still want to make money and go mountaineering. But the thing I want most right now, God, Santa, Gloria Steinem, is some person to love me and sleep in my bed." - From The Most Massive Woman Wins That is what has been weighing on my heart lately. No matter what is going on in my life, it seems like I always come back to that, to wanting someone to love me....

No, seriously. What am I doing? What am I doing allowing myself to backslide so far? Where has the girl gone who would rather stand on her own two feet even when the weight of living was causing her knees to buckle? Where has the girl gone who said she was off to defy gravity and any man who wanted to be in her life had better learn to fly? Where is she? But I tell myself I'm fine. I tell myself it will get better once this happens or that happens. I keep making plans and reaching toward the future praying that I find something to grab onto that I can use to pull myself up out of this awful place I've been in lately. The only thing that keeps me going is telling myself tomorrow will be better. I wouldn't say I have given up because that's not true. Mostly, I just feel... empty. When I'm with friends, I hardly talk, I hardly even think really... I'm just kind of there. The only thing that gets me to come out of that is being needed or having advice to give to...

Ever since I was a little girl, the one thing I can consistently remember wanting to do was make the world a better place. I was a Girl Scout, and I didn't just memorize the words to that Promise and Oath, I really believed in them. When I was in church, my favorite times were when I was actively doing something to improve the lives of others. Even now, I feel completely useless if I am not doing something to help others on their path. I spent hours recording books onto cassette tapes for Sheltering Wings. Once, I came up with this great idea to help raise money for cancer research that I still haven't given up on. The physical labor that I got the most out of are the times I was working for free at food banks and things like that. And today? Today, if I could I would spend my life running Journeys for free and directing in community theaters for free, and I would honestly be truly happy with my life. Right now, I am at a crossroads, and I can go one of two ways. Either I con...

They say that time heals all wounds, but if there's something I've learned in the 17 years you've been gone, it's that it really isn't true. It seems like the older I get, the more I miss you... or maybe it's more accurate to say that I miss the idea of you. I don't remember enough to know what kind of father you would have been while I was growing up, but from what people say, I'm sure you would have been a great one! At every new stage in my life, there are things that you should have been here for, but you couldn't be. You should have been making your famous home movies at all of my birthday parties. You should have taught me to drive. Maybe then I could have learned to drive with my knees like you did sometimes! You should have been here for my first voice recital, my first play, my first band concert, my first cheerleading competition, my first choir concert, my first father-daughter dance. It should have been you moving me into my dorm and into...