Unwritten

Right, so... apparently this paper was cancelled for my EDJH 385 course, but I had already written it, and I am okay with that because I think it was really important for me to write this right now. So, here it is, my first blog post in months. Read if you like! *********************************** This semester has been... a struggle. I thought that commuting from home to Muncie twice a week would not be that big of a deal, but I did not realize all of the issues it would bring along with it. I thought that I could handle working a job this semester, but I did not realize how much working at a job you don’t love can take out of you if you go in every day already exhausted. I have battled with illness, with injuries, with financial and family issues, but the biggest fight I had was with this overwhelming sense of apathy that had pervaded my life since sometime in the spring semester. That is not to say I stopped caring about becoming a teacher or finishing school, or that I want...

A few days ago, someone who is very dear to me, whom I have admired for almost my entire life told me, "Tara, you bring magic into people's lives." It was a very complex moment for me; I didn't know what to say. In my mind, I was reminded of this same woman going around to her students, putting a bit of glitter on their hand and telling them it was magic, and everyone believed her, no matter how old they were. She was the one who spread magic. I was flattered that this incredibly inspirational woman would say something like this to me, but at the same time, I didn't feel like I deserved it. Ever since she said it, I have been thinking about what that means. While it is what I have always wanted, to inspire change and do good, it comes with a heavy burden. I can't get the picture of Aragorn out of my head as he tells Lord Elrond, "I give hope to men but keep none for myself," because that is how I have found myself feeling much of the time. I have g...

Today, we come together to celebrate love and a new beginning. For all of recorded time, man has been seeking to define love, and today there are so many definitions that it was impossible to pick just one to describe the love we celebrate here today. For what makes this love unique is that today we do not just celebrate the love between two people, but the love between two families who have been broken, mended, and blended in so many different ways and yet have still thrived. We celebrate the love of friends who have always remained true, who have always been ready to jump in and offer help at the slightest request, who have found their way back to us after years apart. We celebrate the love we still hold for those whom we’ve lost and who are watching us from a better place. We celebrate our love for the beauty to be found in life’s simplest gifts: in song, in nature, in fellowship with those we hold dear, in the laughter of a baby, in the embrace of someone who cares. But above al...

I started this blog almost a week ago... maybe now I can bring myself to finish it. I have been struggling with how to start this blog since the moment I got in the car and drove away from the cast party 30 minutes ago. As soon as the silence washed over me, I felt the need to write, to reflect, and to hopefully find some new meaning to all of the emotions whirring around inside of me. As I was on the road home, alone without even the radio turned on to keep me company, this vision of my future overwhelmed me. I suddenly felt as though it was very possible that I would be making a drive home like this every night in the future... the sky is beginning to get dark, I'm alone in the car with my thoughts, knowing that I am going home to an empty apartment, to an empty bed, to a daily life of dinner alone. Sure, I had pondered that possibility before from the dark gloom of depression and low self-esteem, but until tonight it had never seemed real to me. In that short drive, I was truly ...

Wow!!! It has been awhile since I took this long to write in my blog. Life has been... insane lately to say the least, but I am glad to finally have some time to pause and reflect now. Since I last updated, I have gone through 2 boyfriends which seems... astonishing to me. The even more astonishing part is that I broke up with them. This has lead me to the conclusion that dating sites are not for me. I am a very special person: that is what I have discovered in the recent months. I am a special person who can do things that most people can't, who does things that many others are too scared to do. It will take another very special person to love me the way I want and need to be loved. They will have to love, not just me, but also the work that I do, the passion I have, and the difference that I make. Usually, they will not be the first priority in my life, and they would have to accept that without resentment or jealousy. These kids I work with, they will come first. Recently, I hav...

For weeks now, I have been in a downward spiral. I don't know when it started or why, but I have reached the point where I no longer feel in control, a point that I have been terrified of since I first sought help a year and a half ago. I feel constantly lonely, searching for companionship in the worlds of fantasy TV shows and books, just like I did with Harry Potter when I was growing up. I can't sleep at night. I fear the loneliness, so I keep reading or watching TV because I know as soon as I stop I will feel the weight of my world pinning me to my bed with no where else to go, no one to lay next to me and hold me and bear part of the weight with me. My ability to be rational or reasonable, all of my strength and confidence, they've disappeared. Instead, I go day-to-day mostly just existing until the night hits, and then I just feel pain. I can't remember the last night I didn't lay in my bed and cry. I have shut down, and the only reaction I have to anything is...

So, I logged on to my Facebook today, and I went to my profile to see what someone had posted on my wall, and I noticed that my boyfriend's name is no longer listed as the person I'm in a relationship with. I went to his page, of course, and noticed he has hidden his relationship status. It's Thanksgiving Break, and he is home with his family for the first time in months, and I told him I wouldn't bother him, but of course I suck at such things. So, I've texted him a few times a day, which, to be entirely honest, I don't think is excessive. Now, the other night when I was on pain killers and texted him groggily a lot of times in a row, that was probably excessive, I admit. So, after I saw that he had removed his relationship status, I immediately started to panic that he was going to break up with me... And now I'm writing this blog post to essentially tell myself that that is something entirely stupid to be panicking about. For one, why does it matter? Why ...