Unwritten

"So, here I am, starting out 2009 worse than 2008, but praying that it ends on a better note." - A blog from the beginning of 2009 Writing one of these has sort of become a tradition for me as the year draws to a close, so here we go. I have learned that I am me. I don't have to be like everyone else. I don't have to do the things everyone else does to be experiencing life to the fullest; I experience life in my own unique way. I have learned that as I was growing up, my fear of getting in trouble and having people disappointed in me was what kept me from doing anything wrong. Now, I am thankful for that because my reputation as a good person is one of the most important things to me. I have learned that I will meet the people I am supposed to meet. There's no need for me to force my presence upon people. Things will happen how they're supposed to. I have learned that the best kind of friends are the ones who believe in the beauty of your dreams and make them ...

“Teaching, as we all know, is an essentially theatrical business, and it is this transformative power of the theatre that makes teaching the most glorious, the most fulfilling, the most profound of all professions. When we enter a theatre, the playwright and the director and the actors ask us to suspend our disbelief and give ourselves over to the illusion of the play. We teachers do the same, and we do it for even higher stakes. Today we shall begin to construct our stages from scratch. On Tuesday we shall ask our students to suspend their disbelief and leap into learning how to read, to think, to write, to speak, to imagine, to know themselves, to conquer fears and disabilities, to believe that one day they will indeed be able to give the world the shape of their own minds, that they will indeed discover what poet Robert Bly calls that ‘unhatched abundance, that winged life’ within themselves that they never dreamt could be made visible. We shall persuade them to give themselves to t...

Once upon a time, I was the happiest I would ever be, though at the time I didn’t know it. I had three of the best friends in the world: Alex, Lauren, and Kristin. I also had the best boyfriend I could have hoped for. His name was Kevin. Life was pretty magical that last year of high school. I had friends I wanted to be friends with for the rest of my life, I had a boyfriend girls would have given anything for, and it seemed almost certain that life would continue to be incredible for years to come. Life had other plans though, and it changed abruptly when I started college. I broke up with Kevin in a daze of insanity when I first got to college. To this day, I couldn’t tell you exactly why. All I remember is feeling lost and alone, and there was this boy there at school who seemed like he really wanted to be with me. Turned out he didn’t, and Kevin ended up moving on, and I ended up throwing away something wonderful. Kristin… has changed in these first couple of years I’ve bee...

So once upon a time, I had best friends. What happened to that? That's right... they made new best friends. So much for, "No matter what, we'll always stay in each other's lives" and "We'll visit each other, don't worry" and "No one will ever replace you guys." Well guess what... I've been replaced, and yet I can't seem to bring myself to replace you guys. Doesn't surprise me though. It always seemed like our friendship meant more to me than it did to you. "I've gotta find my corner of the sky."

Okay so I decided to take this time to write a really update, just because I want to, not because anyone really reads this haha. So, college hasn't exactly been an easy transition. I've been at home for one reason or another every weekend so far. Though, in my defense, only once was because I was homesick. The others were for legitimate reasons. It's been a rough ride. I spend all my spare time pretty much sitting in my dorm room. There are clubs I want to be involved in, but unfortunately I hurt my knee and my movement is restricted for the next 6 weeks which is realllly lame because the two clubs I want to be involved in are dance clubs. This has been a really bad week. My knee is hurt so it's been hard to get around campus, and I've been soooo frustrated because I've been forced to work with partners or in groups for two major projects this week, and mostly my groups have just sucked and been almost completely unhelpful, and I'm just over it. I'm so g...

I always tell people I have no secrets, but I do have a secret. I love you. But you will never love me back the way I love you. So I'll settle for having you love me the way you love me. But I wish you were here right now; I wish I was lying close to you. I don't know if you're reading this or not, you're one of the few people who know this blog exists, but you probably don't read it anymore. That's my secret.

This is my first official post from Ball State!! I'm loving it here sooo much! My room is really awesome, and Nicole (my roommate) is really nice. The first night and day here were a little rough because Nicole wasn't here so I had to stay alone that night, and then she had plans to meet a friend for lunch. I've made a friend though, and I can't wait for classes to start so that I have something to do! I really like it here. I feel... content. And content is good.

I'm so sick of hearing the phrase, "I wish." For once in my life, I want a guy who doesn't say, "I wish I could be there." I want a guy who will get all my texts ranting about my shitty day and get his ass in his car and drive over to see me even if it's just for 2 minutes to give me a hug and make me feel better. I'm no longer settling for, "I wish." Talk is cheap. If guys really wished that as much as they said it, they'd fucking do something about it instead of just saying that. But you know what? Most of them don't wish it. Most of them don't give a shit whether I've had a bad day or not. Most them, as a matter of fact, don't want to see a girl or even talk to her if she's had a bad day, and they just say, "I wish I could be there," to pacify us into believing that they actually care. If they did, they'd do something instead of just talking all the time. I mean, I know sometimes it's true that...

The past few weeks, I've had a lot of time to myself. In that time I've been doing a lot of nothing, and a lot of reading Harry Potter, but I've also been doing a lot of thinking. It's given me a lot of time to examine myself and my life so far, and I've made a decision. Instead of leaving for college viewing it as I did last year, as an end... an end to high school, to summer, to great friendships, I'm going to view it as a beginning. This is my chance to start clean, a fresh slate. It's like Kristin's mom was saying to me last night about Grant leaving for the academy; it's a chance to downplay all those things you didn't like about yourself and to focus on the things about yourself that you value most. I've also decided that I'm going to work really hard at school this year. I'm going to pay attention in classes and take good notes and not wait until the last minute to do homework. I'm also going to start taking better care of ...

Sometimes, it really amazes me the things that people will say on Facebook. Why would a husband call his wife a bitch at all, let alone on Facebook for the whole entire world (pretty much) to read? I guess that's what happens when people get pregnant before they're ready and think that they have to get married just because she got pregnant even though they clearly aren't old enough to be married OR having a child. I mean, I always talk about how I want to get married, but I also know that no matter how much I want to get married, I'm not ready to. I love being in relationships. I love that security and the companionship and... other things, but to get married and start thinking about having a family? Like seriously planning those things? No way am I ready for that! I mean, don't get me wrong, some people get married young and it works out great and they're happy for the rest of their lives (or at least for a really long time), but most people need more time to g...

Well, we are at 20 days now. The terror is slowly disappating and the excitement is taking over. I think I'm really ready to go, and that I'm really going to love Ball State. Now the only thing I worry about is leaving my mom. I'm her best friend, and when I left for school last time, it was really hard on her. Maybe it'll be easier this time? idk... I hope so. I hope she finds things to keep her occupied that make her happy. I'm thinking about suggesting that she take some classes at Butler since she can do so for free. I think that might be good for her. She's always like learning. And now on to the lists! I've now decided THE list into 2 lists. Here it goes. Things I Need to do Before I Leave Teach Mom how to use iTunes Find someone to run the HCT Fanpage Disassemble my storage unit Try to sell my college stuff from last year Go to the eye doctor (Appt. 8/7) Shop for clothes & the remaining college stuff Talk to Nicole about dorm stuff Propose theate...

Well, we're at 22 days, and I feel like I'm not making very much progress on my list, and that makes me nervous. All my friends have been really busy, though, and haven't had time. Plus I have no money at the moment, sooo options for doing things are pretty limited, and therefore I am revising my list. Go see Harry Potter again Get my tattoo Go see Grease with Tim Teach mom to use iTunes and the HCT Fanpage Take pictures at the park with Tim and TALK Sort clothes and shoes for college Dissassemble my storage units Update digital picture frame with new pictures Go to the eye doctor Shop for college stuff Talk to Nicole about dorm decisions Buy new clothes Propose theater camp to Board Get Starbucks with Tim and Lauren Hang out with Sonny Have a sleepover with Kristin Go see Kelly Clarkson with Shelby Hang out with Tim Pack Reorganize my music binder Eat Steak 'n' Shake late at night Redye my hair and get it cut Get "normal" people music Get my oil changed F...

As I expected, my time left before I leave for school is dwindling away. The more I think about leaving, the more things I realize I'm leaving behind. I'm leaving behind some really great friends like Tim and Shelby, but I know that both of them will come to visit me. I'm leaving behind my mom, which is hard for me, but I think it's even harder on her. I'm also leaving behind Hendricks Civic Theatre and all that it is to me. HCT is my family and my home. It will be hard being away and not being able to be involved in their shows and everything. I know I have to go, that I need to go, and I do want to go. I want to go and learn and be able to do the thing that I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm just not so good with goodbyes, and really bad with watching other people's lives going on without me as though I was never in them. I'm determined (or perhaps just hopeful) that I'll make new good friends at school. I don't find that I make new frie...

It really sucks loving people you shouldn't love. Loving people who love other people. Loving people who will never love you in the same way. But I will always believe, inspite of everything, that fairytale loves DO exist, love IS the only real thing in this crazy mixed up world, and that love will always beat paper, rock, AND scissors. "That which Voldemort does not value, he takes no trouble to comprehend. Of house-elves and children’s tales, of love, loyalty, and innocence, Voldemort knows and understands nothing. Nothing. That they all have a power beyond his own, a power beyond the reach of any magic, is a truth he has never grasped.” - Albus Dumbledore One of my favorite quotes.

hahaha before I actually start this blog, I would just like to post this text message exchange... Me: Tim we need to make more memories before I leave for college. Tim: Like babies! And now on to the real blog. Today, I started making lists concerning college (what to buy, what to pack, etc.) because that's what I do, and I decided to make a list of all the things I want to do before I leave for school. So here are the 28 things (28 for all the days I have left before I leave) that I want to do before I leave. They're not in any particular order except for the order in which they popped in my head. Go see Harry Potter again Get my tattoo Go to Kings Island Hang out at the lake with my friends See Grease with Tim and Deandre Teach my mom how to use iTunes and how to do stuff on the HCT fanpage Take pictures at the park with Tim and TALK Sort my clothes and shoes for college Update my digital picture frame with newer pictures Go to the eye doctor Shop for college stuff Buy new cl...

Well, the weekend is over, and oddly enough, I'm glad for it. My show closed yesterday ( The Wedding Singer at Footlite Musicals). Usually when the end of a show comes around, I get really depressed and lonely, but I'm honestly happy that it's over. It was an awesome show! Easily one of the best shows I've been in. I just, I don't know. I didn't really feel like I connected with anyone in the cast. I mean, it was nice to get to spend all that time with my best friend Tim, but in a way I feel like we sort of grew apart because he did connect with people. Plus the show just took soooo much energy. My body definitely took a beating during this show. I'm not sure that I'll be doing many more musicals in my life. I love musicals, but I don't think I'm cut out for them. I also think I'd be happier sticking to plays... acting is more my strong point. So, now what? Camp is over, Wedding Singer is over... the last month of summer is sitting in front ...

Oh, boys... guys... men... pigs... ( jk ) whatever you want to call them. It definitely is a, "Can't live with them, can't live without them," sort of thing isn't it? I am currently single, and I am sure that will surprise no one. It isn't that I want to be single, by any means. I was dumped a few weeks ago by this guy named Cody. I say dumped and not broken up with because the jackass broke up with me via text messaging. Then later that night he tried to tell me he made a mistake. I had already fallen for that game of his about 3 times this summer, though, so I told him no that I wouldn't take him back. I don't miss him. Or maybe I do. No I don't miss him. I miss the idea of him. I miss the person he was before he moved back home (long story). So, now I've been talking to his guy I dated last year named Kevin whom I broke up with when I went to college in the fall because I thought this guy Sonny and I were going to get together. Then we never...

Well, here it goes, the first post in my new blog. I've had blogs before, when I was younger, but I sort of lost interest. "When I was younger..." that makes me sound old. I'm not old in the least, though sometimes it seems like I am, when I think about how much I have changed and grown up in the past couple years. I don't think anyone saw all the changes coming in me. In a way, I suppose I'm sort of glad that they didn't, many people in my life probably would have tried to stop them. I have spent most of my life feeling very lost. I would be part of a tight circle of friends, and yet always seemed to find myself being the person left out of things. I suppose feeling lost was an understandable feeling, though. My life had turned itself upside down far too many times by the time I graduated high school. Two years ago, I was a completely different person. I was a "Jesus Freak". All about God all the time, and I was proud of that. To this day, I st...