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Showing posts from 2010

How Quickly Things Change

It is incredible to me how quickly things can change in this life. One hour, I'm feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. The next, I'm left huddled in my bed crying, wondering what went wrong and why I didn't see it. I thought everything was fine, you see. I mean, I knew things weren't perfect, but nothing in life is ever perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Sure, for that first month or so it's all butterflies and kisses, but eventually there will be trials and struggles you have to face... together. I thought that was what would happen. I wanted nothing more than for him to tell me what he wanted, to make him happy, to take care of him, to let me love him. I don't mean love, like, the I want to be with you forever kind of love, but just the... caring about someone and wanting to... to make everything good for them kind of love. I just don't understand what was wrong, and maybe I never will. Everyone keeps trying to give me advice...

A Little Reminder

As Finals Week approaches, I just thought I would take this moment to pass on some inspiration. Right now, my community theatre is doing a youth production of the Best Christmas Pageant Ever, and about 90% of the cast are kids I've worked with whether through camps or other shows. The show opened last week, and before opening night even got here, the show had sold out for all 8 performances. I didn't think I was going to get to see it, and some of the kids were really bummed that I wouldn't be able to see it either. I came home tonight on a whim; I hadn't planned on coming home this weekend. My mom was working the box office for the show, so I went with her figuring I could at least say hi to the kids even if I didn't get to watch the show. When we walked around to the front of the theatre, one of the girls was getting ready to get out of the car, and she saw me. Her face immediately lit up, and she practically barreled out of the car and ran over to me to give me a...

Life Happens

Wow... it has been quite awhile since I wrote in here, and I was on a roll, too! Ah... well, life happens, doesn't it? Life lately has been busy, challenging, overwhelming, scary, and yet very fulfilling. It has been full of ups and downs, minor freak-outs, major decisions, and lots and lots of laughter. Today, though, I find myself feeling very apathetic about most things, and I've been trying to come up with a reason for why this might be. There are so many things in my life to care about, to be excited about, and yet right now, I feel very detached from the vivid, rich life I have been experiencing since the summer. For the first time the whole school year, I find myself wanting to be home for no reason other than to just be able to be alone. Maybe everything has just piled up and now I'm trying to cope. Or maybe it's because I'm so worried that things are going to fall apart soon and I'm bracing myself. Or maybe, I guess, everyone (especially anyone living w...

Fall is Finally Here

As I walked through campus today wearing a jacket and jeans, noticing that some trees are already beginning to look empty, I couldn't help but crack a smile. Autumn is definitely my favorite season. Sure, the first snow of winter is beautiful, the first warm and sunny day of spring seems like a gift from God, and the long hours of sunshine in the summer are energizing, but fall... fall is majestic and romantic. Yes, romantic. I know most people talk about falling in love in the spring or summer love, but to me, those are seasons of fleeting, whirlwind romances that take your breath away but were never meant to last forever. To me, having someone to be with in autumn is far superior. Hay rides, bonfires, apple cider, wearing his jacket, cheering on the same football team, feeling the crisp autumn wind ruffle your hair as you walk hand in hand laughing and talking while the sounds of crunching leaves underfoot underscore the scene: it all seems to point toward a romance built on simp...

I am an Emotional Creature

So, Eve Ensler, author of the infamous Vagina Monologues has written a new book. This one is for and about teen girls, and it's called I'm an Emotional Creature . I highly recommend investing in this if you have (or will have) a teenage girl who is looking for some challenging monologue material. This is the very titular piece from the book, and I just wanted to share it because I love it. "I AM AN EMOTIONAL CREATURE" I love being a girl. I can feel what you're feeling as you're feeling it inside the feeling before. I am an emotional creature. Things do not come to me as intellectual theories or hard-shaped ideas. They pulse through my organs and legs and burn up my ears. I know when your girlfriend's really pissed off even though she appears to give you what you want. I know when a storm is coming. I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air. I can tell you he won't call back. It's a vibe I share. I am an emotional creature. I love that I do no...

New Perspectives on Relationships

What makes two people compatible? Plenty of dating sites, self-help books, and talk show hosts claim to know the answer, but the funny thing is that they all have different answers. How do you explain it, though, when two people seem so completely compatible, and yet they're not? They understand and respect each other, share common views of the world, fill one another's needs, are comfortable being honest with one another, enjoy being physically close to each other, love spending time together, can talk all day long and not get tired of it, but for one person, something just isn't computing, and they can't figure out what it is. A year ago, I would have answered this question by saying that the one person who isn't feeling it is probably just scared or doesn't realize their feelings. After reading, He's Just not that Into You , though, I learned that we can't make those kind of excuses for guys because usually all we're doing is luring ourselves int...

Religion

Lately, I've found myself questioning even further my identification with a particular religion. Currently, I don't really have a label for what I am. People seem to ask me a lot of questions about why I've made the choices I've made lately, and I can't honestly say that I can explain it entirely, but for anyone who cares, this is an explanation of how I've come to this place. When I was in high school, I was a Christian. I was very devoted and very zealous. I believed what I was taught and accepted what leaders told me was the corrected interpretation of the Bible to be the truth. I also spent A LOT of time struggling and feeling guilty. I cannot tell you how many times I prayed to God for the strength to stand up to temptation, and every time, I ended up giving in and messing around with whoever my boyfriend was at the time, and feeling terrible at it the next Sunday at church. My desire to have a boyfriend who loved me and wanted me and found me attractive wa...

Empowerment and Change

It is simply incredible to me how much a person can change in one year of his or her life. I mean, if you don't believe me, scroll back in this blog to a year ago and start reading. Sure, I still struggle today with some of the same things I struggled with a year ago, but I am a different person. This time last year, I was crying myself to sleep every night, feeling scared and trapped and wanting to be at home where life was comfortable. Tonight, though, the best word I can use to describe my current state is empowered. They say that knowledge is power, but I think that a lot of people consider this phrase in far too narrow of a context. I don't think it's referring simply to the kind of knowledge you get from reading books or performing scientific experiments because there's a kind of knowledge that is far more powerful, and that is the knowledge you gain through experience and self-reflection. By taking time to just step back for a bit and consider how different I am ...

Through Different Eyes

"Now looking back on it all, it seems like I had learned everything I needed to know about life by the time I was sixteen. The problem was, I somehow forgot it all. Maybe if I could explain it to someone else; capture it all this way, and keep it folded up, filed away in a corner of my mind, I could keep from having to repeat the same mistakes. There was drama, there was conflict... but for the most part, I was incredibly happy. I was happy because I had my friends, and I had love. But high school ended, one day at a time. Months and years passed, and I grew more distant from each of my friends. Various people flew in and out of my life. I lost some friends to distance, some to circumstance. Mostly, they just drifted away from me, toward their own lives. A few of these people are still in my life, and I'm very lucky, because not everyone still has a friend who knew them when they were sixteen. It wasn't exactly knowledge I had back then. It was just the sort of naive wisdo...

Loneliness

The past few weeks have been very hard for me. I've felt restless and alone and honestly sort of forgotten. I mean, I guess this is all part of growing up, right? Not being able to spend as much time with friends because they have to work and things like that. Don't get me wrong, I have had an absolutely incredible summer. So many great things have happened, and I've connected and reconnected with a lot of really great people. I have just spent so much time the last few weeks sitting in my room with nothing to do, though, and I have struggled with myself trying to figure out why I feel so unhappy. At first, I thought it was because I wanted a guy, a relationship, someone to love me and care about me and want to be with me. I think I just blame so much of my insecurity and loneliness on not having a boyfriend, but I'm starting to think that maybe that's not it. I think what I'm lacking is companionship and feeling like I can be completely open with people. I miss...

New Poem

Single There is a beauty inside of me That it seems no man will see. A heart of warmth and gold, A love yearning to unfold. I know there’s more to me Than what immediately meets the eye, But for some reason, They don’t think the prize to be worth the try. Some days I stand in stillness, Gazing at myself in the mirror And wondering what it could possibly be about me That makes guys want to steer clear. I know I’ll never be the prettiest girl, And my coolness is probably a bit lacking, But I have so much love inside to give And passion that seems worth matching. So why is it that every night I am lying in this bed all alone Waiting and waiting for anyone to come forward But just falling asleep clutching my phone? People always try to tell me He’s out there somewhere waiting, This wonderful man who is worthy Of all these nights my heart spends aching. I suppose I’ll believe it when I see it, When my goodnight, someone has a name. Until that day comes, I can’t help but wonder Will he reall...

A Love/Hate Relationship

I love having you in my life. You don't sugar coat everything or boost my self-esteem every time I text you at night out of loneliness. I love that we have so much in common and that when we start talking, it seems like the topics are endless. I love that I can associate you with a dream come true and that you are just as excited to keep living that dream as I am. I love that my past isn't a shadow lurking behind us. I love the way you look at me with those blue eyes when you're being playful and the way you are perfectly content to just chill with me. I love that I'm not afraid to let my intelligence show when I'm around you. I love that you make me laugh and every time I get a text from you, I can't help but smile. I love that I never have to doubt that you'll come through for me. I love that I trust you. I love knowing that you'll be there for me when I need you most. I love how strong you are. I love that my family and friends like you and that you f...

Realistic Expectations

I am a dreamer. I always have been. It's both a blessing and a curse. It's great that I can come up with these beautiful, big ideas about which few others would dare to dream. I think it's awesome that I have goals like making the world a better place and changing someone's life, and that I feel perfectly capable of achieving them. Most the time, I think that I'm very lucky to be a romantic who hasn't lost her hope, one who still believes in fairy tale loves, happily ever afters, soul mates, and the undeniable power of love to overcome any and all other forces. Being a dreamer, though, also has its downside, especially in relationships: disappointment and a willingness to compromise your standards in pursuit of your lofty ideals of romance and love. I also have a tendency to settle for something less than I deserve while convincing myself it's perfect. As long as he says he loves me, I tell myself it doesn't matter if he's not everything I want and n...

The Truth Shall Set you Free

Right, so, I'm sort of just... chilling at the moment. So, I thought, why not post a blog?! I really should do it more often anyway. Hmm ... what's new in my life? I guess a big thing that's new is that I'm trying to get help. Some of you may be wondering with what I need help. Others of you probably know exactly what it is, and you are, hopefully, very proud of me; I'm very proud of me. Let me elaborate. I always knew I was a bit crazy. No, really, I was. There are times in my life that I look back on and wonder who that person was because it certainly wasn't me. I've always considered myself a compassionate, smart, driven person. So, when I look back on times where I was absolutely horrible to people or blew off school or gave up trying, I have to wonder what happened. Now, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I struggle with anxiety and depression. The depression I've acknowledged in the past, but that's what it was to me, something i...

WOAAH

Oh hey blog! How the heck are ya doin? Apparently, I haven't updated this thing since January 6. That was a long time ago. I feel like I've grown up about five years since then. Of course, that may just be because it seems like this semester has been five years long. The past five months have been the hardest, most frustrating, craziest months of my life, and yet as I sit here, I feel oddly fulfilled and accomplished. I still have to get through two finals on Friday, but other than that, I'm finished. And that feels so weird to me. I can't quite comprehend it yet, you know? I'm still laying here thinking about school, and I'm not feeling that usual contentment one feels at the end of a semester. For awhile, I wasn't sure how I would survive. I suffered silently in my room, spending my spare time in my bed crying. It was hard to keep moving forward. So many times I felt like just giving up and finding another way to do what I wanted to do. Then I would get on...

Love Monologue from the movie Stardust

Yvaine: You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it; I've seen centuries and centuries of it. It's the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All the wars, pain, lies, and hate, made me want to turn away and never look down again. But to see the way that mankind loves! I mean you could search the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So, yes I know that love is unconditional, but I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable, and strangely easy to mistake for loathing. And, well, what I'm trying to say, Tristan, is.. I think I love you. My heart it feels like my chest can barely contain it, like it doesn't belong to me anymore; it belongs to you, and if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange: no gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion, nothing, but knowing you love me, too. Just your heart in exchange for min...