Unwritten

For weeks now, I have been in a downward spiral. I don't know when it started or why, but I have reached the point where I no longer feel in control, a point that I have been terrified of since I first sought help a year and a half ago. I feel constantly lonely, searching for companionship in the worlds of fantasy TV shows and books, just like I did with Harry Potter when I was growing up. I can't sleep at night. I fear the loneliness, so I keep reading or watching TV because I know as soon as I stop I will feel the weight of my world pinning me to my bed with no where else to go, no one to lay next to me and hold me and bear part of the weight with me. My ability to be rational or reasonable, all of my strength and confidence, they've disappeared. Instead, I go day-to-day mostly just existing until the night hits, and then I just feel pain. I can't remember the last night I didn't lay in my bed and cry. I have shut down, and the only reaction I have to anything is...

So, I logged on to my Facebook today, and I went to my profile to see what someone had posted on my wall, and I noticed that my boyfriend's name is no longer listed as the person I'm in a relationship with. I went to his page, of course, and noticed he has hidden his relationship status. It's Thanksgiving Break, and he is home with his family for the first time in months, and I told him I wouldn't bother him, but of course I suck at such things. So, I've texted him a few times a day, which, to be entirely honest, I don't think is excessive. Now, the other night when I was on pain killers and texted him groggily a lot of times in a row, that was probably excessive, I admit. So, after I saw that he had removed his relationship status, I immediately started to panic that he was going to break up with me... And now I'm writing this blog post to essentially tell myself that that is something entirely stupid to be panicking about. For one, why does it matter? Why ...

Remember when you were a kid, and you'd go to a water park, and at first the wave pool seemed really fun, but then you'd get brave and go out too deep, and the waves would catch you and be coming so fast you can't really get a breath, and you would get so scared that you weren't going to be able to swim back to where you could touch, and you're accidentally swallowing water and swimming as best as you can while your heart pounds? Eventually, you did always make it back to where you could touch or at least to the wall where you could hold on until the waves stopped. That didn't matter, though, because every time the waves started, and you began to feel like you were drowning, you were terrified. Yet for some reason, you would keep swimming out to where you couldn't touch, even when no one was asking you to go with them or expecting you to follow them. Maybe because almost dying was exciting or maybe because you wanted to challenge yourself or maybe you just c...

My family is... amazing. We haven't always gotten along, and we're all very different people, but there's something special about my family. I think a lot of other families would have fallen apart after all that we've been through, and trust me, we have had some short-term falling-outs, but over time my family has just gotten stronger. We have had to depend on each other and ask for each other's help so often, that somehow we've become this odd intertwined web. The last few weeks, we have been dealing with some major struggles, bigger than our usual money and stress struggles. One would think that after how much emotional energy has been expended lately, none of us would have much left to give. For some reason, though, my mom and my brother are here today essentially taking care of me. They've gone grocery shopping with me, cooked dinner for me, and are helping me give my apartment a good cleaning. They didn't have to do it, they didn't have to leave...

A couple of weeks ago in my Shakespeare class, we were studying the play Twelfth Night , and my professor began the discussion by pointing out that in Shakespeare's plays, he idealizes a kind of love that is entirely different than the sort of love we idealize in society today, and that is the kind of love between two people who are completely, genuinely soul mates. The most interesting thing about Shakespeare's view on love, though, is that this love is something completely separate from romance or physical attractive; this deep love could even be between two friends or siblings. This was the sort of love that Shakespeare idealized, not the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet and sends your hormones into a frenzy. Ever since this conversation, I have been thinking so much about my life and about love, and I came to the conclusion that lately I have been searching for the wrong kind of love. For over a year now, I've been posting all of these blogs about wanting to f...

Let's be honest, I suck at it. I really do. I don't mean like in a relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean actual dating, where you just hang out and there's some sort of physical relationship involved, but pretty much there's no spoken commitment to each other. I seriously just can't do it. I meet a guy, and I like him, and I immediately want the emotional commitment: talking a lot, spending time together, him being there for me when I need him or am having a bad day. I try so freaking hard to not be that way and give him space and not come to him whenever I am upset or lonely, but for some reason I just keep messing things up. Guys see me like that, and they automatically think that I am going to be a super needy, clingy girlfriend who wants to know everything they're doing all the time, and that's not me. As soon as I am in a relationship, it's like I'm a different person. I'm so much more fun and laid back. So, why can't I be that way ...

I am fairly certain that anyone who has even taken a peak at my blog could tell you that I believe that we shouldn't judge other people based on their love. As long as it isn't harming anyone, we shouldn't place any parameters on what is and isn't love because, let's face it, this world could use a whole lot more love. So why, then, am I so quick to judge my own love? I try to tell myself that this... whatever it is that I am in right now isn't real, that somehow just because I haven't met John face-to-face yet, the feelings can't be true. Who am I to say that when I know, from personal experience, that it is possible to truly love someone you haven't met? I loved Allen for a long time before I met him in person. Granted, it was the kind of love that a depressed 13 year old girl could give, but it WAS love. Why now do I think I have the right to tell my heart that this is or isn't the real thing? Why am I trying to be sensible and rational about ...

I don't know what it's like to remember things the way other people do. Prior to high school, the only things I can vividly remember are the traumatic events I experienced growing up. There are very few other memories there, if I am honest with myself, and I doubt the reality of most of them. My brain has learned to fill in blanks, make up details of half-formed memories, and I generally just take these crafted memories as truth. I know there were so many good things that happened to me in those years, but I cannot honestly recall any of them; not a single cheerleading competition, voice recital, production, birthday party, or vacation is clear. My first kiss is just about the only good memory that I have remained concretely certain of since it happened. Over the years, the traumas have begun to fade as well, taking on the same fuzzy, dreamlike quality as all my other childhood memories so that it feels like the first time in my life I can distinctly recall is about my junior y...

Usually, when I break up with someone, it takes me entire days, perhaps even weeks to regain my composure and feel good again. When Ben and I broke up in July, that didn't happen. I literally cried hysterically for about 10 minutes, and then I told my mom I wanted to go see the new Harry Potter movie, and that was pretty much the end of it. I had to be strong and put on a brave face. I was in the middle of camp, in the middle of directing my show, and I had no time or extra energy to spend on being sad or hurt because he broke up with me. At the time, I thought this was a good thing. I thought that the fact that I didn't entirely fall apart and cease to function in life was a sign that I had overcome this great flaw in my character. I didn't have time to miss him or energy to try and win him back. I just kept moving forward. There was no dwelling on mistakes or wondering what might have been. This, I thought, was good. This was how relationships were supposed to end. It was...

I have a lot of thoughts whirring around inside my head tonight, though I suppose books like Eat, Pray, Love are supposed to do that to a person. They aren't bad or stressful thoughts, at least not yet. The thoughts are more wonders, I suppose, as though my brain has decided to continually play another exciting game of What If...? It's one of those times where your brain won't stop thinking, but you can't really put into words what it's thinking about. The only word I am managing to pick out is the name of a guy, and I am really not sure why his name keeps popping up. I am pretty sure if his position on things had changed since last summer, he would have told me. Truthfully, I can't even be sure that I have feelings for him because my brain won't let me make sense of it. If I am honest with myself right now, it is probably mostly because Ben broke up with me, and he has been there for me... always... for as long as I have really known him. Maybe these faint...

Well, Journeys Theatre Camp 2011 has officially come to its close. To say that it was an incredible experience would be an understatement. Day after day I sit back and watch the campers make new friends, grow, challenge themselves, work their butts off, struggle, succeed, laugh, cry, but sometimes I think it is all too easy for me to lose sight of the friendships that I have made, the challenges I have overcome, and the laughter and tears that escape from my heart during the hours spent in that theater. We set out each summer with the mission to change kids' lives, and we do, which is made obvious by the things that the kids themselves want to share with the world about camp. Personal growth, though, has this funny way of manifesting itself while you are focusing on helping other people grow. Michael Daehn would say that by trying to make other people into big circles, we help make ourselves into bigger circles.... or something like that. You know how at the end of fairy tales, eve...

One decade ago, I was a fourth grader in Avon. I am sure that is just as difficult for many of you to imagine as it is for me. My childhood flew by but not without its ups and downs. I still remember standing in front of my class that year singing songs or reciting the poems from the production of Free to Be... You and Me I was in that year. It is the first show I clearly remember performing, so what better way to make my solo directorial debut than with this very show! The self-esteem and individuality movements have grown exponentially in school programs and children’s media since Marlo Thomas first published this book, but it seems that children struggle with being confident with and accepting themselves even more now than they did before the movement became mainstreamed in the 1970’s and 1980’s. We have become a nation of families that eat dinner in front of the television, children who barely have time to do their homework between all their activities, and an education system t...

We are in the peak of summer here in good old Indiana. The summer solstice passed what, like, last week or something? Yeah... I don't really know. However, I do have an actual point to make with this blog post, so let's get onto it. Growing up, I was never one of those kids who longed for summer vacation. I mean, it was fun... for like two weeks... and when we went on trips, but I spent the majority of my summer days bored out of my mind and almost every summer night and weekend super busy. Looking back now, I have no idea what I did with my summer days. I imagine they were mostly spent talking to friends online (back when we still used dial up and everyone had AOL), and I am sure there was a fair amount of hours spent designing my Xanga and MySpace pages, reading/re-reading Harry Potter, and my brothers and I locking each other out of the house for long periods of time. Incase you haven't figured it out yet, I never answered that summer was my favorite season. I didn't...

Let's talk about them. I understand that not everyone's priorities are the same as mine. I understand that people who work with me may not feel as strongly about my dreams and goals as I do. I understand that at some point decisions have to be made about whether good business practices or making people happy is more important. I understand that at some point in my life, I am going to have to choose where my loyalties lie and stop putting so many things on my plate to focus on the most important ones. I don't understand why this summer people around me cannot seem to understand the importance of fulfilling their commitments. I don't understand why decisions are being made about my show without consulting me OR the producer in the name of good business. I don't understand why it is so hard for some people to make room in their schedule for things. I don't understand why I continually put up with so much frustration from trying to do all and be all instead of picki...

So, this is a decision that I have toyed with off and on for, well, years now, but I think I am finally to the point in my life that I can devote myself to stand behind this decision. I am going to start living a healthier life. I'm tired of being sick and hurting all the time. I'm tired of being self-conscious about my body. I'm tired of not having any energy. If I am going to stand in front of rooms full of kids and attempt to inspire them, I want to inspire them to make healthy life choices. It's time to make a change. Today I joined Weight Watchers online, and tomorrow I am hitting up the gym for the first time. I think that now is the best time for me to start on this adventure because I know I am going to constantly be surrounded by people who will actively support me, and I am going to be spending most of my days busy instead of just hanging out around the house. Honestly, I'm kind of nervous because the last time I tried to go on a diet, I ended up not eatin...

Alright, so, I have a lot of things to say right now, but I am really exhausted. Let's hope this blog is still coherent in the morning light. Today 40 teachers were let go from the school system where I spent the majority of my pre-university years. First of all, I feel like I need to say that it really, REALLY sucks that teachers lost their jobs (we'll come back to the suckage later), but I also think that some people need to keep things in perspective. Avon's population has exploded in the last two decades. When I started school there in second grade, there were 4 elementary schools that housed K-6, 1 middle school, and 1 high school. Today (a mere 13 or so years later) there are, like, 7 or 8 elementary schools that house only K-4 and are still at max capacity, 2 intermediate schools, 2 middle schools, and 1 high school that has pretty much been undergoing expansions since it was opened. The Avon school system has done a phenomenal job keeping up with this rapid increase...

It is very lonely here. Lonely and empty and unnaturally quiet. This isn't the first time I've stayed in the Euclid house alone, but for some reason, knowing that I will never again live in this house with Kaitlyn and Cat makes being here alone very sad. In the few months I've lived here, this house has truly become a second home so much so that sometimes I couldn't decide whether I'd rather be here or home. It was a really big step for me to decide to move out of the dorms, but I am so glad I did. There is something about having a dream, fighting for your dream, and then watching as your dream comes true that changes your entire life in ways you never could have foreseen. Looking back on this last school year, I think it's very easy to see that I have changed in so many ways that I probably can't even recognize them all. The biggest way that comes to mind at the moment is the way I've handled my relationship with Ben. Anyone who has known me pre-BSU wou...

Earlier today, I tweeted something about Lent, and then I decided that my impression of this tradition is far too complicated to confine to tweets. Essentially, I do not understand the point of Lent the way that most people choose to celebrate it. I get the basics of it, you give up something for 40 days because Jesus wandered the desert for 40 days while fasting, and you want to show Him your love and devotion by giving up something of yours for Him. Here's the thing, though, after those 40 days, Jesus went out and began His ministry. His 40 days of fasting were in preparation for Him to give His life to the salvation of the world. The idea behind Lent is that if you give up these things that we don't realize we spend so much time doing, you can then devote that time and energy to God through service, prayer, devotional time, etc. Lent is supposed to be a time where you not just make a sacrifice of something you like but where you spend time reestablishing your connection with...

Children never cease to amaze me. I'm serious. One second I am so worn out and sick of telling them to check their props seventeen times, and then they get out there and steal the show and are doing just what I wanted them to do, and I can't help but love them and love what I'm doing. I would tell kids to go check their props every single night of my life as long as I got to sit in the audience and watch them succeed. And that is just this truly incredibly thing about the arts that kids can't really get in other subject areas. Their math gets better, they get better test scores, but who remembers the first time they did really well on a math test in elementary school? Probably very few people. These kids, though, they will remember what it felt like to come out at the end of the show and take a bow and hear the audience cheering for them. I can see how proud they are of themselves when they come up to me after a rehearsal. I mean, to see that one kid who is always just ...

Growing up, I tended to be one of those people who let my moods and emotions control me. You know those people I'm talking about: your stereotypical high school drama queen who sobbed in the hallways because her boyfriend of like 4 months broke up with her, and he was a big fat jerk. Yep. That was me. I'm not really sure why, but it never occurred to me that I had the power to control, perhaps not my emotions, but the way I react to him. Maybe that was because I needed to be medicated to actually be able to do that, but nonetheless, I think I am starting to realize that. Yesterday, I had a really tough day. There's so much going on with school work and my show and other commitments I've made, and it was all starting to pile on top of me. Combine that with my money being tight, being out of prints at the library, and my printer dying on me because it needed ink so badly, and I was suddenly set into an anxiety attack. Last night, I literally cried for about 3 hours. It wa...

Do you ever stop and consider how much different your life would be if you had just made 1 different decision in your life? For some reason, I woke up this morning pondering what my life would be like today if none of that drama had gone down, and everything would have been just like I imagined it would be, and I had stayed at Huntington, and I realized that I would be an entirely different person. I never would have met the people who have changed me so much in the last two years. There would be no Catherine or Kaitlyn or Holly or Grant or Angie or Noelle in my life. The professors who I have learned the most from, like Jen and Mike and Dr. Smith and Beth... they wouldn't exist to me. My relationship with my family would be completely different. I never would have met Ben, and we never would have fallen in love. Vanessa and I wouldn't be preparing to move into our apartment together in August. Some of the experiences that have come to define who I am never would have occurred...

There has been a story inside of me for a very long time just waiting to be told. All semester in playwriting, I have struggled to find a story that is worth telling, all the time avoiding my own stories like the plague. Maybe because I didn't think my stories were worth telling, or maybe it was because I didn't want to face the emotions of writing about my past. I don't talk about my dad very much; it's something I've conditioned myself not to mention because people never know how to respond when they find out he died. I never talk about what it felt like to lose him or how it's affected me to grow up without him. I don't tell people that unlike other little girls who dream about their wedding day, I cried when I thought of mine because my dad wouldn't be there. Very few people know that I can still remember the dream I had the night he died, and even fewer people know that there's a dream about him that has been reoccurring randomly for the last 15...

So, I have to leave for a jam-packed Monday in approximately 20 minutes. That's enough time to write a blog entry, right? Sure... why not! Sometimes I am sure people wonder why I go home so much. Yes, my boyfriend lives back home, and I enjoy spending time with him. Yes, I am really close to my mom, and I like to see her. Yes, I have a lot of obligations to the theatre back home. Most of all, though, I think I go home because home is the one place I can just stop running around like a crazy person and stressing about all the things I have to do. Honestly, when I go home, I spend a good portion of my time just laying in bed watching TV, which is something I don't have the luxury of doing here, even on the weekends. And honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with going home to escape because I know I can relax there and let my mommy take care of me and not worry about my homework or whether or not I'll have time to eat between commitments. Speaking of eating.....

Sometimes, I feel like life is moving so fast that I just need it to stop for a second so I can catch my breath and reflect on everything that has happened and put it into a new perspective. This, I think, is why people meditate and pray. In those quiet moments, it's like everything is standing still, and you can clear your mind and free your soul. I so wish that I had the discipline to sit in stillness long enough to feel that sort of spiritual and mental release. So, maybe blogging and journaling are like meditation for me. When I take my thoughts and feelings and write them down, everything starts to make more sense in my head, and generally after I have finished an entry, I feel much calmer about life. That's why I am writing now. I am writing to find clarity. It just started storming outside. Literally, the first sound of thunder came directly as I began to write this blog. Thanks, nature, for ambient noise to set the mood. Obstacles are a part of life. They cause conflict...

This past week has been an emotional roller coaster. One minute I am happy, and the next minute I feel like my heart is breaking. I have struggled, cried, had an anxiety attack, and yesterday I was very close to giving up on Ben and I. That voice in my head just kept telling me to run away, that it wasn't worth all of this. Then, though, there was this other voice in my heart telling me to stay because that is what true love is, being there for each other when things aren't easy and just getting through those hard times the best that you can together. Ben and I talked almost all night, and it took hours of crying and pouring my heart out to figure out what it was that I really needed from him right now. Finally, though, we got there. He's not doing any better than he was yesterday, and yet today I woke up with a renewed sense of hope and patience. I have let go of my obsession with trying to fix him because I finally realized that I have to stop being afraid of him being li...

It's 6:38 in the morning. It's 6:38 in the morning, and I am wide awake. Do you know how many people are awake on Facebook at 6:38 in the morning on a Saturday? Three. One of them lives in a different country. Why am I awake? I have absolutely no idea. Last night, I was really tired, didn't feel well, and had a headache. Usually, that means a person sleeps pretty well, right? Not last night, apparently. I tossed and turned and woke up and fell back asleep and kept going back and forth between hot and cold. I don't really know what's wrong. Anxiety, maybe. Maybe I am worried that he won't follow through on his promise like every other guy I have ever been with. Maybe because that voice inside of my head is trying to tell me that I shouldn't have asked him to make this choice, but I know that I had to do it. As scary and painful as it was to give him an ultimatum, I know I had to do it for both of our sakes. Last night, I left his house smiling, though. I was ...

There are a lot of things in life that we take for granted. There are two things that I feel I take for granted most often, though: my own strength and the generosity of others. Part One: The Strength to Stay Ben has been going through a really, REALLY tough time lately. It's hard for me to see him just sitting on the couch day after day, knowing how unhappy he is, understanding that war and terror that is happening inside of him all the time. Some days, I have to leave his house crying because I can't be strong that day. I apologize profusely for those days, but he is never upset with me. He always says he understands. Sometimes, I have doubts about us. I wonder if this is all too much for me, if I should walk away, if I'm going to go through all of this just to be crushed because I have this tendency to be with guys who need me and then once they don't need me they're done. Then I think about what things were like with Ben before the last couple months. I remember...

Being in college is a very unique experience. At no other point in your life will it be acceptable for you to be throwing murder mystery parties one night, studying the entire next day, and then two weeks later spend days at a time doing absolutely nothing productive. At no other point in your life can you truly redefine the person you are; from this point forward who you are will constantly follow you. At no other point is it considered practically a right of passage to spend weeks or months galavanting across this country or other countries for no other reason except to experience life. This is the time to live as much life, check off as many of those bucket list things as you possibly can. And yet, college is also one of the most difficult experiences to go through. Half the world sees you as an adult and the other half still sees you as a kid. You yearn for independence, but you spend nights sobbing into a pillow, your heart full of homesickness. Suddenly, it is difficult to love b...

Do you remember the first time you thought you were in love? I do. I remember it, and I will never forget it, and I have some really great stories from that 3 year relationship... that started when I was 13. I also remember the second time I thought I was in love. And the third. Those two relationships, not as many great stories. I am in love. Yes, in love with a guy. With Ben. For months now, I have been sort of shy about admitting it, but there it is. I'm throwing it out there. Who cares if the whole world knows? Ben knows! Go ahead and judge me upon the fact that I am in love with a guy who isn't even officially my boyfriend, with a guy who I was sort of with, then definitely with, then sort of with again, then broken up with, and am now sort of with again. Let me ask you, though, what makes you qualified to judge who I am in love with? There are so many factors of life that go into people's relationships, and the fact that we have this idea that relationships always ha...

Souza: "For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination." There are some things in life that are simply too beautiful for me to describe, and I like words (as I'm sure you have probably realized if you have ever read my blog before), so it's saying something if I can't find a way to describe it. So often lately, I find myself just observing the life that is around me: my life, the lives of others, the way they all intertwine, connect, mix, and alter each other. Two years ago, I would have sat back and observed life in much th...

Right now, I am lying in a hotel room bed in Waukesha, WI. I feel like I have done nothing but drive/ride in a car in the last two days, my eyes are burning from the constant attempts to suppress my tears and stay strong, and my stomach is relentlessly churning with the anxiety I am trying my hardest to control. The shock waves a person's death can make in the lives of people is incredible to me. Honestly, being on this side of the grieving process is very foreign to me. I am close to people who are hugely affected by John's death, but I didn't know him that well. But I am here... I am here for my brother and Lianne and the rest of their family just like all those people who have been there for me and my family during the loss of loved ones. I don't know how to respond or how to act. For someone who is so used to being on that side of grief that is the completely world-shattering, hole in my life kind of grief, the concept of being on the periphery of persons affected b...

Peace. I can't remember the last time I could sit alone in my room and truly say that I felt at peace. I have homework that needs to get done, shows I need to prepare for, camps that need planned, and yet I don't want to do any of it. I just want to sit here and soak in this feeling, and honestly I don't feel the slightest bit of guilt for putting everything else off. For the first time in my life, I feel like my life is how it is supposed to be. I don't need to be busy or have new projects to work on or bother my exboyfriend or desperately try to find someone to hang out with in order to feel happy. I am happy just sitting here, just being. It is a feeling I've never experienced before, and yet it is probably the most beautiful thing I have yet to feel in my life. I don't know whether to smile or laugh or cry or dance or... all of the above! After so many years of feeling trapped and having this inexplicable urge to run, I finally feel free. For so long I have ...

So, I bought a journal today, and perhaps I will write something in it later, but I figured what I want to say right now is something that the whole world can read if they want. In high school, there are people we just end up being friends with, people we are friends with because we're too nice to blow them off, and people who are our friends because they're too nice to blow US off. Then, there are the people you looked at, almost with a longing, just wishing to be their friend. I don't necessarily mean the popular girls who could get whatever they wanted; I never wanted to be one of those girls. I mean those people you found so interesting, so kind, so... intriguing that you just wanted to get to know them and were convinced that if you could just learn more about each other you could become the best of friends. There's always some reason, though, that you never make that connection with these people. It might be because you already have friends and don't think abo...

There are a lot of things I don't understand, and far too many things that I don't know. 2010 was not an easy year, but it was definitely a year that took me on a journey, and I have changed more in the last year than I ever have before. I think, though, that I didn't realize the biggest way I had changed until yesterday when I was leaving my cousin Stephanie's hospital room and looked over to see my cousin Chase gazing at his new son in my aunt's arms. The look on his face was so incredibly beautiful it could have brought tears to my eyes, and that was the moment I realized that that was what I wanted: someone who wants to go through life's journeys with me. I have never been the kind of girl who could just let go of people. I fall too fast, love too hard, and get my hopes up too high. I give so much more to most people than I ever receive in return, but I blame my mother for teaching me to do that. I hold on to people until I have no other choice but to let th...